Overcoming Barriers: How to Express Your Feelings

Feeling things deeply is just part of being human, right? But finding the words to actually share those feelings? That can feel like a whole different ball game.

Maybe you find yourself tongue-tied, frustrated, or just plain unsure where to even begin. If you’ve ever wondered how to express your feelings more effectively, or why it feels so incredibly difficult sometimes, trust me, you’re certainly not alone. So many people find it tough. And the very first step is often just being kind to yourself about it.

The good news? Learning how to talk about your feelings is a skill you can develop. Let’s explore some common barriers and look at practical, supportive ways to help you communicate what’s going on inside.

Why Is It Sometimes So Hard to Talk About Your Feelings?

Let’s be real, opening up isn’t always a walk in the park. It’s completely understandable if sharing your emotions feels daunting, awkward, or even impossible at times. In fact, a 2024 survey by Mind found that nearly two-thirds (64%) of UK adults admitted putting on a ‘brave face’ to avoid talking about their mental health 2.

Figuring out why it feels this way for you is often the first step towards making things easier. Recognising these potential roadblocks can help normalise the struggle – because honestly, you’re not alone in feeling this – and start paving the way for change.

Understanding the ‘Why’: Common Roadblocks

So, why can’t I talk about my feelings sometimes? Have a think – do any of these common reasons ring true for you?

• Fear of Judgment or Rejection: That knot in your stomach when you think about how others might react? Will they understand? Will they think less of you? Will they pull away? That fear can be paralysing, making silence feel like the only safe option.
• Past Experiences: Maybe you’ve tried opening up before, only to be met with dismissal, ridicule, or even punishment. It makes total sense that negative reactions stick with you. Our brains are wired to protect us, and sometimes that protection looks like shutting down emotional expression.
• Lack of Emotional Vocabulary: Let’s face it, sometimes we genuinely struggle to find the right words. Ever felt something strongly but just couldn’t quite put your finger on it or name it? Our inner emotional world is complex, and finding precise language takes practice.
• Feeling Overwhelmed: When emotions are really intense (think deep grief, white-hot anger, or crippling anxiety), it can feel like your brain just short-circuits. It’s hard to think clearly, let alone string coherent sentences together about how you feel.
• Beliefs about Vulnerability: Were you taught that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness? Many of us internalise this message. But vulnerability is actually a cornerstone of strength and essential for real connection. Believing it’s inherently risky makes opening up feel dangerous.

Childhood Experiences and Family Patterns

And speaking of things learned early on, it’s completely understandable if expressing feelings feels tough based on how things were when you were growing up. How we learned (or perhaps didn’t learn) about emotions back then plays a massive role now. If your family discouraged showing feelings, praised keeping things buttoned up, or reacted negatively when you were upset, you might have learned early on that expressing yourself isn’t safe or okay. Those early messages can become deeply ingrained patterns that follow us into adulthood, contributing to trouble expressing emotions. Does that sound at all familiar?

Fear of Vulnerability and Intimacy

For some folks, the difficulty expressing emotions verbally is tangled up with a deeper fear of vulnerability. Opening up means letting others see the real you, imperfections and all. That can feel terrifying if you’re scared of rejection or secretly believe you won’t be accepted as you truly are. It makes sense why this fear can create barriers, not just to sharing feelings, but also to forming those deep, intimate connections many of us crave.

Societal and Cultural Messages

And it’s not just family, is it? Broader societal or cultural norms definitely influence how comfortable we feel expressing ourselves. Some cultures value stoicism more than others. Gender stereotypes can also sneak in, wrongly suggesting certain emotions are ‘unacceptable’ for men or women. For instance, research highlighted by Movember suggested almost half of young men in the UK felt reluctant to talk about feelings for fear of being seen as less masculine 3. Just recognising these external pressures can help you start separating societal expectations from your own authentic feelings.

The UK Context: Beyond the Stiff Upper Lip

Here in the UK, we often hear about that ‘stiff upper lip’ – this idea that showing emotion isn’t quite ‘proper’. While things are definitely changing, it’s completely understandable if those cultural echoes still make it feel awkward or even inappropriate to talk openly, especially about the tough stuff. Do you ever worry about ‘making a fuss’ or burdening others? Loads of people do 2.

It’s really important to acknowledge that pressure if you feel it, and gently remind yourself that expressing your needs and emotions authentically is healthy and vital for your well-being, no matter what outdated expectations might linger.

At Therapy Central, we really get these nuances and provide a space where feeling safe to talk is always the number one priority.

Do You Struggle? Signs You Might Have Difficulty Expressing Emotions Verbally

You might recognise trouble expressing emotions if you often:

• Feel like people just don’t ‘get’ you.
• Get physical symptoms (like headaches, stomach aches, muscle tension) when you’re holding in strong emotions.
• Find yourself withdrawing or shutting down when conversations get emotional.
• Notice a pattern of relationship difficulties that seem linked to communication issues.
• Have the thought, “I don’t know how to express my feelings” pop into your head regularly.
• Feel frustrated or resentful because your needs aren’t being met (maybe because you haven’t been able to voice them).
• Experience difficulty expressing emotions verbally even when you genuinely want to share.

If these points hit home, please know that it’s okay, and there are supportive ways forward. Just understanding the ‘why’ behind it is a brilliant starting point.

The Benefits of Learning to Express Your Feelings (Seriously, It’s Worth It!)

Now, you might be thinking, “Okay, I get it’s hard, but is it really worth the effort?” Making the effort to communicate your emotions might feel challenging right now, but trust us, the payoff is huge and can make a real positive difference in so many areas of your life. Thinking about these benefits might just give you that extra nudge of motivation to practice.

Stronger, More Authentic Relationships

Think about the people you’re closest to. When you can openly and honestly express your feelings (and create a space where they feel safe to do the same), that’s what builds real trust and deepens intimacy 4. It fosters genuine connection 5. Developing emotional awareness allows partners to communicate more effectively 6. When partners, friends, or family members have even a small window into each other’s inner worlds, relationships become more resilient, understanding, and ultimately, way more fulfilling.

Reduced Stress and Improved Mental Well-being

Ever feel like you’re carrying a heavy backpack full of unsaid things? You’re not imagining it. Holding onto emotions, especially the difficult ones like frustration or sadness, takes a real toll 7. It can ramp up your stress levels, fuel anxiety 8, breed resentment, and even show up as physical symptoms – think tension headaches or stomach problems 9. Learning how to express feelings in healthy ways acts like a much-needed release valve. It reduces that internal pressure and helps your overall mental well-being. Doesn’t that sound like a bit of a relief? Some research even suggests bottling up emotions can make people more aggressive 10.

Better Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution

So many arguments or ongoing conflicts boil down to simple misunderstandings or needs that haven’t been clearly voiced. When you can articulate how you feel (“I feel frustrated when X happens…”) and what you need in a specific situation, it throws the door wide open for constructive problem-solving 6, 11. Developing emotional intelligence, which includes expressing yourself and understanding others, is strongly linked to resolving conflicts more effectively 12. It allows you and the other person to actually find solutions that work for both of you, rather than letting issues simmer under the surface or explode later on.

Increased Self-Awareness and Self-Esteem

Here’s a cool side effect: the very act of trying to identify and express your feelings forces you to tune into yourself more deeply. This naturally builds your self-awareness – you start understanding your triggers, your needs, and your values much better. Pretty powerful, right? And guess what? Successfully communicating your feelings, even in small ways, can be a real confidence booster. It reinforces the important message that your inner experience matters and that you are capable of navigating these often tricky emotional conversations.

Practical Steps: How to Express Your Feelings in Words

Okay, so you’re ready to give this a go? Fantastic! Just remember, learning how to express emotions takes practice and patience. It’s definitely not about suddenly becoming an open book overnight (unless you want to!). It’s more about taking small, manageable steps towards clearer, more authentic communication. Here are some strategies to help you learn how to express your feelings in words:

Tip #1: Identify What You’re Feeling (The Detective Work!)

Before you can share an emotion, you need a sense of what it actually is. This might sound super obvious, but honestly, it can be surprisingly tricky sometimes!

• Pause and Check-In: Just take a moment. Breathe. Sit with the feeling, even if it’s uncomfortable. Where do you notice it physically in your body (maybe that familiar tightness in your chest, a knot forming in your stomach, or heat rising in your face)? What thoughts are swirling around with it?
• Use Feeling Words: Try to put a specific name to the emotion. Instead of just saying “I feel bad,” could it be more specific? Maybe disappointed, frustrated, anxious, hurt, lonely, embarrassed, or overwhelmed? Looking at a ‘feelings wheel’ (you can easily find examples online with a quick search) can be surprisingly helpful for expanding your emotional vocabulary.
• Journaling: Fancy giving writing a try? Jotting down your thoughts and feelings can be a really safe, private way to explore them without any pressure. It often helps clarify things for yourself first, before you even think about talking to someone else.
• Mindful Body Scan: This just means gently bringing your awareness to different parts of your body, from your toes up to your head, simply noticing any physical sensations without judging them. Sometimes, our bodies hold clues to emotions we haven’t consciously clocked yet.

If you often find yourself wondering: “How do I express my feelings if I’m not even sure what they are?”, start right here: give yourself permission to explore your inner world gently and with curiosity, not judgment. It’s okay not to have all the answers immediately.

Tip #2: Choose the Right Time and Place (Timing is Everything!)

Okay, context matters – a lot. Trying to launch into a deep emotional conversation when someone’s rushing out the door, visibly stressed about work, or glued to their phone? Yeah, probably not going to end well. Here’s what you could do instead:

• Find a Calm Moment: Aim for a time when you and the other person are both relatively relaxed and can actually give the conversation the attention it deserves, without feeling rushed or pressured. Think quality over quantity.
• Ensure Privacy: Pick a setting where you feel comfortable speaking openly. If the topic is sensitive, you’ll likely want a space where you won’t be easily interrupted or overheard.
• Ask if it’s a Good Time: This simple step shows respect for the other person’s headspace. A quick, “Hey, is now an okay time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?” can make a huge difference in how the conversation starts.

Tip #3: Use ‘I’ Statements (Your Secret Weapon!)

This is a classic communication technique for a very good reason – it really works! ‘I’ statements help you express your experience, thoughts, and feelings without sounding like you’re blaming or attacking the other person (even if you feel like it!) 13.

• The Basic Structure: Think along these lines: “I feel [your specific emotion] when [describe the specific, objective situation/behaviour] because [explain the impact on you or your underlying need].”
• Example: Instead of launching in with “You always make me feel ignored!” (which immediately sounds like an accusation and puts the other person on the defensive), try framing it from your perspective: “I feel hurt when plans we made change last minute without discussion, because it makes me feel like my time isn’t valued.” Can you feel the difference?
• Benefit: This approach massively reduces the chance of the other person getting defensive. It keeps the focus squarely on your experience and opens the door for them to actually understand, rather than just react. Getting comfortable with ‘I’ statements is a huge step in learning how to express your feelings in words constructively. Learning assertive communication techniques can be very helpful here.

Tip #4: Be Specific and Clear (No Mind-Reading Required!)

Vague complaints or feelings are super confusing and hard for others to understand or respond to effectively. Aim for clarity – don’t make them guess!

• Avoid Generalisations: Words like “always,” “never,” or “constantly” are rarely 100% accurate and tend to just escalate conflict. Stick to the specifics of this particular situation. So, instead of “You never listen,” try something more concrete like, “During our conversation earlier about the holiday plans, I felt unheard when I was trying to explain my concerns about the budget.”
• Focus on Behaviour, Not Character: Describe the specific action or situation that triggered your feeling, rather than making judgments about the person’s whole personality (e.g., “When the report was submitted late…” is much more constructive and less attacking than “You’re so unreliable…”).

Tip #5: Practice Makes Progress (Be Kind to Yourself!)

Learning how to express feelings and how to express your emotions effectively is like building any other skill – think learning an instrument, a new language, or even cooking! It takes consistent practice and, crucially, patience with yourself.

• Start Small: You don’t have to dive into the deepest, most complex emotions right away. Begin by practicing with safer, less intense feelings, or perhaps with people you trust deeply – someone you know will be supportive and understanding.
• Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself: Honestly, it won’t always go perfectly, especially when you’re starting out. You might stumble over your words, feel awkward, blush, or not get the reaction you hoped for. That’s completely okay! Acknowledge your courage just for trying. Learning new ways of communicating takes time, and it’s absolutely okay if it feels clumsy or imperfect at first. Remember that self-compassion piece we mentioned? It’s key here.
• Consider Professional Support: Therapy offers a dedicated, safe space where you can explore your personal barriers to emotional expression and practice new communication skills with expert guidance. It’s a supportive environment specifically designed for this kind of personal growth.

Tip #6: Consider Non-Verbal Communication (What Your Body Says)

Ever notice that sometimes how someone says something matters even more than what they say? Your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions communicate volumes, too. Ideally, they should align with your words to send a clear message. Trying to express vulnerability while maintaining a rigid posture, avoiding eye contact, and speaking in a flat, monotone voice might send confusing mixed signals. Aim for open body language (like uncrossing your arms and making comfortable eye contact) and a tone that genuinely matches the emotion you’re trying to convey.

Tip #7: Practice Active Listening (It’s a Two-Way Street!)

Remember, good communication isn’t just about talking; it’s also about listening. When you make a real effort to listen and truly understand someone else’s feelings, it often encourages them to offer you the same courtesy and creates a safer space for everyone. Active listening isn’t just waiting politely for your turn to speak; it involves paying full attention, maybe reflecting back what you hear (“So, it sounds like you felt frustrated when…”), and asking clarifying questions to show you’re genuinely engaged and trying to understand their perspective. This helps create a much more reciprocal and supportive conversation overall.

What if I Don’t Know How to Express My Feelings? (You’re Not Alone!)

Feeling stuck and having that thought “I don’t know how to express my feelings” echo in your head is incredibly common and can feel really frustrating. Please hear this: it doesn’t mean anything is fundamentally wrong with you. It might simply mean you haven’t had the opportunity, the right tools, the practice, or perhaps a safe enough environment in the past to learn and hone this important skill.

• Acknowledge the Difficulty (Gently!): First off, try to be kind to yourself about it. Validate your own struggle. It’s okay that this feels hard right now. Self-criticism rarely helps us learn or grow, does it?
• Focus on Tiny Steps: Don’t aim for perfection or expect a sudden overnight transformation. What’s one tiny, manageable step you could try today or this week? Maybe just identifying one feeling you experienced? Or writing one ‘I’ statement in a journal, just for your eyes only? Or even simply noticing and acknowledging when you do manage to express something, however small it feels? Celebrate those small wins – they add up!
• Seek Understanding: Sometimes, just learning more about emotions themselves – what they are, why we have them, how they work in our bodies and minds – can be incredibly helpful and demystifying. Understanding often builds confidence.
• Therapy Can Really Help: A therapist can provide guidance and support tailored specifically to you. They can help you understand the specific roots of your difficulty expressing emotions verbally and offer strategies and exercises that work for you personally. It’s a space designed exactly for this kind of exploration and growth 14.

How Therapy Helps: Understanding Your Patterns (Getting Unstuck)

It’s completely understandable if expressing feelings feels like a deep-rooted challenge, maybe something you’ve struggled with for a long time. Sometimes, this difficulty is linked to patterns we learned way back, perhaps in childhood, or connected to unhelpful core beliefs we might not even be fully aware of holding (“My feelings aren’t important,” “Showing emotion is weak,” “If I open up, people will leave”).

This is where therapy, particularly approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), can be so incredibly insightful 15. A therapist provides that crucial safe, non-judgmental space to explore your specific barriers without fear. CBT, for example, offers practical, down-to-earth tools to help you identify and gently challenge these unhelpful thoughts and learn new, healthier ways of understanding and communicating your inner world 1. It’s not about trying to change the core of who you are; it’s about giving you the skills and confidence to feel heard and understood, ultimately fostering better emotional intelligence and connection.

Ready to Find Your Voice?

Learning how to express your feelings is definitely a journey, not a quick fix or some destination you suddenly arrive at. It involves growing your self-awareness, finding courage (sometimes quite a lot of it!), and consistent practice – just like anything worthwhile. By understanding your personal barriers, getting better at identifying your emotions, using clear communication techniques like ‘I’ statements, and maybe even embracing a little vulnerability, you really can build stronger connections and feel more genuinely understood.

Remember to be patient and practice self-compassion along the way – you’re learning something important and challenging. If you continue to find it a real struggle, please know that seeking professional support can make a significant difference. You don’t have to do it alone.

We understand that talking about feelings can be challenging, and you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. If you’re looking for support in developing healthier communication patterns or exploring the emotions you find difficult to express, Therapy Central is here to help. We offer professional, confidential therapy online and in London. Ready to take the next step? Contact us for a free 15 min consultation, and find out how our qualified therapists can support you.