We’ve all experienced unfortunate situations like failing an exam, getting sick, going through a stressful time at work, being rejected by a love interest or during a job interview. When life gives you lemons, what is your typical reaction?
While feeling sad is normal and healthy, wallowing in self-pity can harm your mental health. Besides bringing temporary relief, this habit has adverse long-term effects, leading to issues like low self-esteem and lack of confidence, chronic stress, anxiety or depression. Self-pity can make you overlook all the opportunities in your life and block you from fulfilling your potential.
Learning how to stop feeling sorry for yourself starts with shifting your perspective, which can strengthen your inner resilience, fostering healing and growth. Keep reading to find out the psychology behind self-pity and learn practical strategies to unlock your inner resilience and improve your emotional state to live a rich, meaningful life, free from the vicious circle of feelings of unfairness, self-doubt, and sadness.
What Does Self-Pity Mean?
Hardships are an innate part of human existence. No one is exempt from experiences like losing a job, failing a test, struggling with a health issue or making a faux pas in a social setting. Each of these situations evokes a myriad of different thoughts and emotions. What matters most for your mental health in such moments is how you decide to approach these adversities. You can either focus on finding solutions, learning lessons and accepting reality or choose to ruminate on the negatives.
Let’s say you’ve just been broken up with. Feeling sad is normal and quite healthy in this context. It can:
- help you mourn the loss of your relationship,
- inform you on how much having a life partner means to you,
- aid the healing process.
On the contrary, self-pity hinders healthy coping. Its vicious cycle of negative thinking goes beyond sadness, negatively impacting your thoughts and behaviour. If that’s your case, low self-esteem and lack of confidence therapy with a qualified psychotherapist can be a helpful resource where you learn how to stop feeling sorry for yourself and break free from the trap of feelings of hopelessness, self-pity, and sadness and find healthier coping mechanisms.
In a scenario of a breakup, wallowing in self-pity might manifest as:
- believing that you’ll never find love again,
- thinking that you’re not good enough[1] to be in a relationship,
- relentlessly scrutinising your behaviour in the past,
- dwelling on all the ways you failed your ex-partner in the past,
- feeling unfairly treated, misunderstood and lonely.
While allowing yourself to feel sadness helps to move forward, richer in the lessons of this experience, deciding to fall into self-pity means perceiving yourself as a helpless victim, which can result in:
- hindered personal growth,
- relationship issues,
- chronic stress,
- built-up resentment and frustrations,
- low self-esteem,
- anxiety,
- isolation and loneliness,
- depression.
Understanding the Roots of Feeling Sorry For Yourself
The tendency to engage in self-pity is tightly connected to the underlying feelings of shame, guilt, low self-esteem and self-criticism. But where does it come from? Research shows [1] how at the root of self-pity, there are usually:
Painful Past
Difficult experiences such as abusive childhood or traumatic events that can contribute to a hostile, self-attacking inner dialogue.
Suppose you were neglected by your emotionally unavailable parents[2] or bullied at school. In that case, chances are that to make sense of the world and survive in these difficult circumstances, you internalised the negative comments of other kids or formed a harmful belief that you’re not worthy of the affection of your caregivers.
Years later, facing rejection or receiving criticism might be extremely challenging to cope with for you.
Validation
We all want to feel loved, accepted and validated by others. Yet, with self-pity, the need for validation can act as fuel for staying in the victim mentality and remaining passive when faced with adversity. Think about it:
Venting to your close friends about an inconvenience might provide temporary relief, especially when they sympathise with your situation and say how sorry they feel for you. The more you do it, the more you might feel tempted to gain the attention of others by complaining and exaggerating your issues.
Yet, in the long term, your attempts to feel better by using others will repel them from you and crush your self-esteem, causing further sadness or pity.
Sadness and Current Negative Patterns
Regardless of your past or need to feel validated, the attitude with which you approach hardships matters most. Self-pity thrives in unhelpful emotional habits, beliefs and actions, such as:
- focusing on the negatives,
- being pessimistic,
- blaming others or the world for your issues,
- not taking any accountability for your problems,
- not implementing any changes to feel better,
- fighting against reality outside of your control.
So, how can you stop feeling sorry for yourself?
How does feeling sorry for yourself impact your mental health?
Feeling sorry for yourself can have a significant impact on your mental health, because it can lead to increased feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and low self-esteem and confidence. Hence it can also hinder personal growth and prevent you from taking positive steps towards overcoming challenges.
How To Stop Self-Pity with Self-Compassion
The best antidote for self-pity is self-compassion. While self-pity makes you think: “Why me? Life is so unfair”, self-compassion offers support and encouragement, making you feel more at ease with the reality just the way it is.
Contrary to myths and stereotypes, compassion is not a sign of weakness but greater resilience. Besides, training your self-compassion muscle comes with a bonus – becoming infused with kindness, wisdom, courage and confidence.
Rather than constantly undermining yourself, self-compassion allows you to:
- be more understanding and gentle when faced with a failure or a mistake
- create more mental space to acknowledge your pain mindfully,
- treat adversities as a normal part of life [2].
- Move forward with courage and confidence that, whatever happens, you can deal with it.
Since being kind and loving to ourselves can feel odd or tricky, here’s a self-compassion writing exercise by Kristin Neff to help you get started:
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Steps To Take Towards Self-Compassion |
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Describe an imperfection of yours that makes you feel inadequate or not enough. |
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Notice your thoughts and emotions while writing – try to label them and note this experience down |
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Now, think of an imaginary friend – someone who accepts and loves you unconditionally, treats you with kindness, and understands your issues |
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Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this friend. Express your compassion, offer constructive advice or include suggestions on some changes you could introduce to improve your well-being |
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After taking a little break, read your letter and feel the wave of compassion wash over you |
Reframe the Meaning of Feeling Sorry For Yourself
Negative thoughts can cloud your judgment, lead to cognitive errors, and distort reality. It’s easy to engage in negative self-talk and let self-pity take over by:
- dwelling on past mistakes,
- ruminating on current issues,
- excessively worrying about the future.
To stop feeling sorry for yourself, remember that your thoughts are not facts, and often, things are not as dire as they seem.
When you find yourself spiralling, try to answer these questions:
- “Are my thoughts helpful or destructive right now?”
- “Do they get me closer to a solution or keep me stuck?”
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Reframe negative thoughts by checking their validity and rephrasing them, i.e.: Instead of thinking: “Everyone‘s falling in love but me! I’ll never find a romantic partner,“ try: “Some people are falling in love, and some aren’t. It doesn’t mean I’ll stay single forever. I can’t predict the future.” |
Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself with Gratitude
Self-pity is like a magnifying glass for your attention, making you focus mainly on the negatives, the things you lack or wish were different. Along the way, this unhealthy habit makes you miss out on all the good aspects of your life.
Gratitude, on the other hand, is like a scale that introduces balance by drawing your attention to the positives. So, rather than recognising every little thing that doesn’t go according to your expectations, look for all the richness already present in your daily life.
Consider writing about that in a gratitude journal every morning/evening or listing 3 things you’re grateful for whenever you feel like complaining, no matter how big or small they seem to you, such as:
● enjoying sunny weather,
● eating a delicious meal,
● having clean water to drink,
● having a roof over your head and a bed to sleep in,
● being healthy and alive.
With time, your gratitude practice will help you ward off self-pity with greater ease, making you more resilient in the face of adversity, able to notice the good aspects of it as well and make decisions that support your well-being [3].
Unlock Your Inner Resilience with Mindfulness & Meditation
Mindfulness is not the activity of sitting cross-legged in silence with your eyes closed, meditating with no worries on your mind. It’s the art of holding your attention in here and now and consciously returning to the present moment whenever your mind wanders off.
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Let’s say you decided to try meditating and have some unsettling thoughts appear during your practice. Before you realise it, you’re deep into the ruminative cycle about an awkward conversation you had last week with a friend, picking yourself apart, thinking: “I can’t stop feeling sorry for myself. This meditation idea is not going to work for me.“ Yet, that’s where the most critical part of practising mindfulness begins. Once you notice your thoughts, acknowledge them without judgment and come back with your attention directed at the present moment. Observe the rhythm of your breath, feel your chest rising and falling, your heart pumping blood, the temperature in the room, the sounds coming from the street, or even the smells around you. |
Mindfulness helps to experience what’s happening around you with curiosity rather than fixate on the past or future, making you better equipped to handle the curveballs that life might serve you once in a while with a better outlook.
Coping by Taking Action
Every moment you spend complaining and feeling sorry for yourself prevents you from fixing your issues. Self-pity brings temporary relief, making you feel better for a moment. Yet, in the long-term, it’s corrosive to your sense of self-worth and confidence as it does nothing to make things better. Only by taking action, despite the whispers of pessimism, and addressing your discomfort can you change your life.
Next time you catch yourself falling into despair about your life, don’t let the cycle of self-pity bring you down. Instead, decide what’s your first step to fix your issue and take it. If you can do nothing and the problem is out of your control, it’s essential to work on accepting that reality. Yet, in the meantime, make sure to stop the negative thoughts by distracting yourself with another activity, i.e.:
● cook yourself a nutritious meal,
● go on a walk in a park,
● sweat it out with a good workout,
● clean your bathroom,
● do your laundry.
Seeking Support
While social support is significant for your mental health, be mindful not to use others as a source of external validation. Rather than venting and talking extensively about the negatives:
- open up about your hardships to close friends
- avoid exaggerating or playing the victim,
- keep a solution-focused approach.
Perhaps your friends, loved ones or family members can suggest a different perspective or a solution, such as talking to a therapist about your struggles.
Get Professional Help with Therapy Central
Learning how to stop feeling sorry for yourself is a challenging process that requires psychological skills, time, effort and patience. While it may feel alienating, you are not alone in this struggle and don’t have to go through it on your own. Start your journey towards healing with therapy for low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
Talking about your issues in the safe space of therapy can help you:
- gain insight into your problems,
- understand your feelings better,
- rephrase your negative beliefs into their positive alternatives,
- build a sense of self-worth.
Living a fulfilling, rich life is possible for you – all it takes is showing to practice greater resilience and mental strength.
Start by contacting us for a free 15-minute consultation today to see if our services fit your needs.
FAQ
Most frequent questions and answers
Feeling sorry for yourself can be a natural reaction to difficult situations, but it often prevents you from taking positive action. To stop feeling sorry for yourself, focus on changing your perspective, practicing self-compassion, and taking proactive steps to address your challenges. Therapy can also be beneficial in developing coping strategies and building resilience.
Self-pity refers to an excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one’s own troubles. It’s the feeling of being a victim of circumstances beyond one’s control and wallowing in the negative aspects of life. Understanding what self-pity means can help you recognize it and work towards healthier coping mechanisms.
To stop self-pity, shift your focus from what’s going wrong to what you can do to improve your situation. Practice gratitude, set achievable goals, and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Developing a more positive mindset and taking action are key steps in overcoming self-pity.
Feeling sorry for yourself means indulging in self-pity and focusing on your misfortunes. It’s a mindset that emphasizes what you lack or what has gone wrong, often leading to feelings of helplessness and sadness. Recognizing this behavior is the first step toward changing it.
Feeling sorry for yourself can significantly impact your mental health by fostering negative thoughts, reducing self-esteem, and increasing feelings of sadness and hopelessness. It can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, making it crucial to address and change this mindset.
You might feel sorry for yourself due to past traumatic experiences, a lack of self-esteem, or a habit of negative thinking. Understanding the root causes of these feelings can help you address them more effectively. Therapy can provide insights into these patterns and support you in developing healthier ways of coping.
Therapy can help by providing a safe space to explore your feelings, gain insights into the causes of your self-pity, and develop strategies to overcome it. A therapist can guide you in building self-esteem, reframing negative thoughts, and taking proactive steps to improve your well-being. Get in touch today!
