
It’s a question that pops into many of our heads, maybe when a friend’s marriage comes to an end, or even when we’re just thinking about our own relationships: why do people get divorced? If you’re asking this, you’re definitely not on your own. Getting to grips with why marriages break down can be a tricky subject, but it’s one that affects so many of us.
This post aims to gently explore some of the key factors that can lead to divorce, offering insights with warmth and understanding. We’ll take a look at the common hurdles and pressures that can really put a strain on a marriage – not to point fingers, but to help us all understand this tough experience a bit better.
Why Do Marriages Fail? Unpacking Common Reasons
When a marriage ends, it’s rarely down to just one thing. Usually, it’s a mix of factors that slowly chip away at the relationship’s foundations. Picture a ship navigating a stormy sea; if several leaks spring at once, it becomes incredibly hard to keep it from sinking.
A primary factor often cited is a lack of commitment 2, 3, where one or both people just aren’t up for putting in the effort the relationship needs anymore. Historically, before no-fault divorce, “unreasonable behaviour” was a common legal ground, often encompassing issues like communication breakdown or unmet needs 4.
Here’s a quick look at some of the most frequently cited reasons:
Reason for Divorce | Key Aspects |
---|---|
Communication Breakdown | Not being open, handling arguments badly, emotional needs not met. |
Infidelity & Loss of Trust | Betrayal, difficulty rebuilding trust, often a symptom of deeper issues. |
Financial Strain | Differing money habits, tough financial times, lack of honesty about money. |
Growing Apart | Shifting priorities, losing shared interests, “empty nest” syndrome. |
Lack of Intimacy | Decline in physical and/or emotional connection, feeling isolated. |
Domestic Abuse | Physical, emotional, verbal, or financial abuse; seeking safety. |
Unmet Expectations | Idealised views of marriage clashing with reality. |
Addictions | Substance or behavioural addictions eroding trust and family life. |
Communication Breakdown: Not Hearing Each Other
One of the top reasons people give for their marriage ending is that communication just completely broke down 2, 5. And we’re not just talking about not talking enough; it’s about not talking well.
- Not Being Open: When you stop sharing your thoughts, feelings, and what you need from each other, a gap can start to grow. It’s like trying to find your way through a maze with no map – you’re pretty much guaranteed to get lost.
- Handling Arguments Badly: Arguments happen in any relationship, that’s normal. But if every disagreement blows up, is full of blame, or never really gets sorted, it can leave lasting damage. Good communication means listening to understand the other person, not just waiting for your turn to speak. Learning how to set healthy boundaries is also key.
- Emotional Needs Not Being Met: Feeling like you’re not heard, not appreciated, or just emotionally miles apart can be incredibly hurtful. We all need to feel valued and understood by our partner. When that doesn’t happen for a long time, it’s easy for resentment to build up.
That feeling of speaking different languages? It’s a really common sign that communication isn’t quite hitting the mark. It’s not always about the words you say, but how you say them, and even more so, how they’re heard and what happens next.
Infidelity and the Erosion of Trust
Trust is what a strong marriage is built on. So, when that trust is broken, especially by an affair, it can be absolutely devastating 2, 6.
- The Betrayal: An affair, whether it’s emotional or physical, can completely shatter that feeling of safety and specialness in a marriage.
- The Struggle to Rebuild: Some couples do manage to work through infidelity, but rebuilding trust is a really tough road that needs huge commitment from both sides. For many, the damage is just too deep to fix. Overcoming trust issues is a significant challenge.
It’s worth remembering that sometimes an affair can be a sign of deeper, existing problems in the marriage, like emotional distance or needs that aren’t being met.
Financial Strain and Disagreements About Money
Let’s be honest, money worries can cause a lot of stress, and that stress can easily spill over into a marriage 5, 7. These financial problems can be a major reason why marriages fail.
- Different Money Habits: If you have clashing views on spending, saving, or what your financial goals are, it can lead to constant arguments.
- Tough Financial Times: Losing a job, getting into debt, or facing an unexpected money crisis can put huge pressure on a relationship, often making other underlying issues even worse.
- Lack of Honesty About Money: Keeping secrets about money or making big financial decisions without talking to your partner can break down trust and make things feel unfair.
Often, when people ask “why do people get divorced over money?”, the answer is less about the actual cash and more about what that money stands for: security, trust, shared dreams, and mutual respect.
Underlying Factors in Marital Breakdown
Beyond the usual suspects, there are other, sometimes less obvious, things that can lead to marriages failing. Figuring out why divorces happen often means looking at a pattern of issues that haven’t been resolved.
Why Do People Divorce: Growing Apart and Changing Values
People change as they go through life, and sometimes, partners realise they’ve grown in completely different directions.
- Shifting Priorities: What felt vital to you in your twenties might not be so important in your forties. If your core values and what you want out of life start to really differ from your partner’s, it can be tough to stay on the same path.
- Losing Shared Interests: Over time, you might find you have less and less in common, which can leave you feeling disconnected.
- The “Empty Nest”: For some, when the children grow up and leave home, it can shine a light on problems that were perhaps hidden by the busyness of parenting.
It’s a poignant reality that sometimes, the person you married isn’t the person they become twenty years down the line. Recognising and navigating these shifts, as you can imagine, takes ongoing effort and really good communication.
The Crucial Role of Intimacy and Emotional Connection
Intimacy, both the physical and emotional kind, is so important for a healthy marriage. When it’s missing, it’s a common reason why people get divorced.
- Physical Intimacy Issues: If sexual intimacy drops off, it can lead to feelings of being rejected, lonely, or just plain dissatisfied. This can happen for all sorts of reasons – stress, arguments that haven’t been sorted, or different needs.
- Emotional Distance: This is a big one. Beyond physical closeness, emotional intimacy is what really keeps a marriage feeling alive. It’s that feeling of being truly seen, heard, and understood by your partner; it’s about sharing your inner worlds, your worries, and your good news. When this emotional connection fades, you can start to feel like you’re just sharing a house, not a life. This emotional gap, which often creeps in slowly, can be incredibly painful and is a major reason why people get divorced. It leaves you feeling isolated and alone, even when you’re with the person who’s supposed to be closest to you.
Often, a lack of intimacy isn’t a sudden thing. It’s more like a gradual fading, where little neglects in looking after that emotional and physical bond add up over time. Stress, ongoing arguments, different sex drives, or health problems can all play a part. Coping with feeling lonely in a relationship can be incredibly challenging.
Domestic Abuse and Unhealthy Dynamics
Sadly, for some, divorce is a vital escape route from an abusive or unhealthy relationship. This isn’t just physical abuse we’re talking about; it can be emotional, verbal, or financial abuse too. Living in an abusive situation is incredibly damaging to your mental and physical health. In these cases, divorce is a crucial step towards getting safe and starting to heal.
It’s so important to say this loud and clear: nobody should have to put up with an abusive relationship. Reaching out for help and support is the most important thing. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, confidential support is available. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 24/7.
The Role of Unmet Expectations and Marrying Young
Often, the seeds of unhappiness in a marriage are sown quite early on. Maybe it’s through expectations that don’t quite line up with real life, or perhaps by jumping into marriage without fully grasping all its complexities. If you’ve ever felt that your marriage isn’t what you envisioned, you’re not alone in that.
Unrealistic Expectations of Marriage
So many of us go into marriage with a lovely picture in our heads, maybe from films or just our own hopes, of what life together will be like. But when the day-to-day reality doesn’t quite match that ideal – and let’s face it, these expectations are often things we haven’t even said out loud – disappointment and resentment can start to creep in. It’s a bit like hoping for a sunny holiday every single day, and then feeling a bit cheated when those inevitable rainy days show up.
Have you ever really talked about these expectations with your partner? Just opening up about what you both hope for, and maybe what you’re a bit worried about, can make a massive difference.
Marrying Too Young as a Factor
Deciding to marry when you’re very young can bring its own unique set of hurdles. Think about it – our late teens and early twenties are such a big time for personal growth and change. We’re still working out who we are, what really matters to us, and what we want from life. If you and your partner are both going through that, sometimes you might find you’re heading in different directions, a bit like two plants in a garden reaching for the sun in their own way.
That doesn’t mean anyone’s done anything wrong; it’s often just a natural part of growing up. Plus, not having as much life experience or fully formed relationship skills can make dealing with the everyday ups and downs of marriage feel a bit harder. There might be plenty of love, but the wisdom to handle a long-term commitment and all its challenges might still be developing.
The Impact of Addictions and External Pressures
It’s true, isn’t it? Marriages don’t happen in a perfect little bubble. Sometimes, storms from the outside world or personal battles like addiction can put an immense strain on a relationship, occasionally pushing it right to its breaking point.
How Addictions Can Erode a Marriage
Addiction, whether it’s to substances like alcohol or drugs, or to behaviours like gambling, can be incredibly tough on a marriage. You might find it leads to:
- Trust Crumbling: When secrecy or broken promises become the norm.
- Money Worries: If family resources are constantly being used to fund the addiction.
- Emotional Upheaval: It’s completely natural for the partner not struggling with addiction to feel a whole host of emotions – maybe anger, fear, or a deep sense of helplessness…almost like being on a constant, unpredictable rollercoaster.
- Family Life Taking a Hit: When the addiction seems to overshadow everything else. The path to recovery is a big one, and it’s understandable that not all relationships can get through this kind of storm, especially if the person struggling isn’t ready or able to get help. Addictions therapy can offer a route to support.
Navigating Significant External Pressures
Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs, doesn’t it? And some of them can really test even the most solid marriages. You might be facing things like:
- Long-term Illness: Coping with a chronic illness, whether it’s your own, your partner’s, or a child’s.
- Job Loss or Major Career Stress: The financial and emotional impact can be huge.
- Bereavement: Losing someone close can change your world and how you relate to each other.
- Family Interference: Sometimes, even well-meaning input from extended family can add a layer of pressure. These kinds of stressors can really drain a couple’s emotional batteries, making it harder to support each other in the ways you normally would. Having a good support network of friends and family can be a real lifeline, but at the end of the day, how you and your partner face these challenges together is what really counts.
The “Number One Reason Marriages Fail”: Is There Just One?
Many people look for that single “number one reason marriages fail,” but often, it’s more like a tangled knot of different issues. If there’s one common thread that runs through many situations, though, it often comes back to a breakdown in those really basic connections: communication, trust, respect, and shared emotional support. When these foundations start to feel shaky, the whole relationship can become vulnerable.
Think of it like a house. It can stand up to a storm if its foundations are strong and it’s well looked after. But if cracks start appearing, windows get broken, and the roof begins to leak, it’s much more likely to struggle when the bad weather hits. It’s pretty similar with a marriage; its ability to get through tough times really depends on how healthy its core parts are.
The “Slow Drift” vs. “Sudden Break”: Understanding Different Paths to Divorce
It’s easy to think that all divorces happen because of big, dramatic events like huge arguments or one partner betraying the other. And yes, these ‘sudden break’ situations definitely happen. But for many couples, the end of a marriage is less of a bang and more of a slow, quiet drift apart. This is where that close emotional connection gradually fades, you find you don’t enjoy the same things anymore, and slowly, you start to feel more like strangers living under the same roof.
This ‘slow drift’ can be particularly tricky because it happens so gradually that you might not even notice how serious things have become until you feel like you’re at a point of no return. It’s a bit like a garden that isn’t regularly looked after – weeds can slowly creep in and take over without you really noticing until they’re everywhere.
Realising this pattern really shows how important it is to keep putting conscious effort into looking after a relationship, like tending that garden, to stop that quiet slide into disconnection. Interestingly, a US study found that while ongoing issues like lack of commitment are major contributors to divorce, the “final straw” is often an acute event like infidelity, domestic violence, or substance abuse 2.
When is it ‘Working on it’ vs. ‘Delaying the Inevitable’? A UK Perspective on Seeking Help
Here in the UK, there’s often a real “keep calm and carry on” spirit, a sense of persevering through tough times. And while that’s a great quality in many parts of life, when it comes to marriage, it can sometimes make it hard to see the wood for the trees. Are you both constructively ‘working on it,’ or could you, perhaps, just be delaying an ending that’s bound to be painful whenever it comes? Deciding to try relationship counselling is a really positive and proactive step. It gives you tools and a neutral space to talk things through.
However, if one person consistently isn’t willing to engage, if there’s abuse happening, or if there are fundamental differences that even therapy can’t resolve despite your best efforts, then continuing to ‘work on it’ might actually just prolong the hurt. It’s a tough balance, and research suggests couples often wait around six years while unhappy before seeking help 9.
The introduction of no-fault divorce in the UK is a recognition that sometimes, ending a marriage is the kindest and healthiest decision for everyone involved. It allows people to move forward with their lives, rather than feeling trapped in a situation that’s become damaging.
Navigating the Path Forward: Support and Understanding
Getting your head around why marriages end isn’t about getting bogged down in negativity. Instead, think of it as a chance to learn and grow. This can be helpful whether you’re trying to make your own relationship stronger, supporting a friend who’s going through a divorce, or just reflecting on your own past experiences.
- Seeking Professional Help: If you and your partner are struggling, relationship counselling can offer a safe place to tackle issues, get better at communicating, and work towards a healthier way of being together. It’s not a sign you’ve failed; it’s a proactive step towards understanding and making positive changes.
- A Bit of Self-Reflection: Understanding the common pitfalls can help you spot areas where you might want to grow in how you approach relationships.
- Empathy and Support: If someone you know is going through a divorce, just being there to listen without judging, and offering practical support, can make a massive difference. You might find our article on how to cope with being single helpful in understanding some of the emotions involved.
It’s so important to remember that deciding to end a marriage is usually a really painful and complicated decision. There’s no single, easy answer to why people get divorced, but by looking at these common factors, we can get a better feel for just how complex relationships are and why it’s so important to keep nurturing them. For those wondering about life after, our piece on will my ex come back might offer some perspective.
If you are struggling with issues in your marriage or considering divorce, remember you don’t have to navigate this alone. Understanding the reasons why marriages fail can be the first step towards healing or making informed decisions. Contact us for a free 15 min consultation.
FAQ
What is the most common single reason for divorce in the UK?
While it varies, studies and legal observations often point to a lack of commitment or infidelity as very common primary reasons. However, most divorces result from a combination of factors rather than a single issue.
Can a marriage survive after infidelity?
It’s possible, but extremely challenging. It requires immense commitment from both partners to rebuild trust, often with professional help. For many, the betrayal is too significant to overcome.
How much does poor communication contribute to divorce?
Poor communication is a major contributor. This includes not just arguing, but also not listening, not expressing needs, or avoiding difficult conversations, leading to resentment and emotional distance.
Do financial problems always lead to divorce?
Not always, but they are a significant stressor. Differing views on money management, debt, or financial hardship can strain a relationship, especially if trust and communication about finances break down.
Is 'growing apart' a valid reason for divorce?
Yes, it’s a common experience. People change over time, and if partners’ core values, interests, or life goals diverge significantly without ongoing effort to reconnect, they can drift apart to a point where the marriage is no longer fulfilling.
When should a couple consider therapy if they're facing marital problems?
It’s advisable to consider therapy as soon as problems feel persistent, communication becomes consistently negative, or if there are significant unresolved conflicts or feelings of unhappiness. Early intervention can often provide tools to navigate challenges more effectively. Therapy Central can help with this exploration: Contact us.