Signs Someone Lacks Empathy and How It Impacts Relationships

What Is Lack of Empathy?

It’s completely normal to sometimes find it hard to step into someone else’s shoes, but when this becomes a pattern, it can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, or invalidated. Lack of empathy isn’t necessarily about being intentionally unkind; it’s more about a difficulty in truly understanding, caring about, or responding appropriately to the emotions and experiences of others.

Think of it this way: we all exist somewhere on an empathy spectrum. Some people are naturally more attuned to the feelings around them, while others might need to consciously develop those skills. Interestingly, large-scale studies consistently find that women tend to score higher on average than men on empathy measures [2]. For instance, a UK validation study using the Empathy Quotient (EQ) scale showed average scores around 48 out of 80 for women compared to 39 out of 80 for men [3].

However, when someone consistently seems indifferent to how their words or actions affect you or others, it might signal something deeper is going on. It can be confusing when someone seems unable to connect with your perspective, can’t it?

Lack of Empathy Signs

Do you often find yourself making excuses for someone’s behaviour, or feeling like you have to downplay your own emotions to avoid conflict? These can be subtle indicators that you might be dealing with someone low in empathy.

Recognising these signs isn’t about labelling someone, but about protecting your own emotional wellbeing and making sense of interactions that might feel confusing or hurtful.

While a lack of empathy can manifest in different ways, certain patterns in how a person treats others can be strong clues. It’s common to feel frustrated or lonely in these situations, and your feelings are valid.

Interestingly, the person lacking empathy might not even notice it themselves, but those around them often do. Have you ever felt dismissed or unheard when sharing something important? Here are some common red flags that might resonate if you’re dealing with a low-empathy person:

When these patterns repeat, it’s easy to see how they can significantly impact relationships, especially close ones like partnerships, friendships, or parent-child dynamics. Feeling consistently unseen, invalidated, or emotionally neglected takes a toll.

How Lack of Empathy Affects Relationships

It’s completely understandable if interacting with someone low in empathy leaves you feeling drained, confused, or even questioning your own worth. Many people in this situation experience similar feelings.

When empathy is consistently missing, the impact on a relationship can be profound and far-reaching:

• Communication breaks down: Meaningful conversation becomes difficult. You might feel constantly misunderstood, shut down, or like you have to tread carefully, leading you to withdraw and share less over time.
• Trust erodes: Feeling emotionally unsafe makes vulnerability feel risky. If you sense your feelings won’t be met with understanding or care, it’s hard to open up and maintain trust. That feeling of safety is so crucial for a healthy bond.
• Emotional distance grows: Intimacy, both emotional and sometimes physical, tends to fade when compassion and understanding are absent. We are emotional beings, after all, and shared feeling is the bedrock of closeness.
• Conflict intensifies: Disagreements can escalate quickly or go unresolved because emotional needs aren’t acknowledged or validated. It’s hard to find common ground when one person doesn’t seem to grasp the other’s emotional reality.

You deserve to feel heard, understood, and emotionally supported in your relationships.

Being around someone who lacks empathy for a long time can chip away at your self-esteem, make you feel isolated and confused [4][5][6][7], and might even lead to anxiety or depression. It’s important not to underestimate the impact this dynamic can have on your wellbeing.

Why Do Some People Lack Empathy?

It can be baffling, and sometimes hurtful, when someone seems unable to connect with your feelings. Remember, though, and this is important, it’s often not about you personally. Their difficulty with empathy usually stems from their own history, experiences, or internal challenges.

Understanding why someone lacks empathy doesn’t excuse hurtful actions. However, it can sometimes lessen confusion, help you see things more compassionately, or show you when setting boundaries is vital for your own wellbeing.

Have you ever wondered if their behaviour is a choice, or if there might be deeper reasons behind it? Here are some possible factors:

• Childhood experiences: Growing up in an environment where emotional expression was discouraged, or where caregivers lacked empathy themselves, can hinder a person’s emotional development. We often learn empathy by experiencing it.
• Cultural or social norms: Some environments or social groups may stigmatise showing vulnerability or expressing certain emotions, leading individuals to suppress their empathetic responses.
• Mental health conditions: Certain conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder [9][10], antisocial personality disorder [11], or sometimes autism spectrum disorder [8][12], can significantly impact a person’s capacity for empathy, though manifestations differ. It’s important here to rely on professional diagnosis rather than assumption.
• Trauma or burnout: Experiencing significant trauma or prolonged periods of extreme stress and emotional exhaustion can temporarily (or sometimes longer-term) blunt a person’s ability to connect with others’ feelings. When you’re overwhelmed, it can be hard to tune into someone else.

While these potential causes provide context, they don’t negate the impact of the behaviour on others.

Crucially, the desire and motivation for change must come from the individual themselves. They need to recognise how their lack of empathy affects those around them and feel a genuine drive to improve. Unfortunately, in some cases, particularly with certain personality disorders, there might be limited self-awareness or interest in change.

Can You Be Close to People Who Lack Empathy?

It’s a tough question many people grapple with. If you’re constantly feeling lonely in the relationship, justifying their actions, or censoring yourself, it’s understandable to feel emotionally drained and wonder if true closeness is possible.

People who lack empathy can form relationships, but these connections often feel unbalanced or taxing for the more empathetic person involved.

You might not immediately pinpoint the issue as ‘lack of empathy,’ but certain signs within yourself can indicate an unequal emotional dynamic:

• You find yourself constantly explaining or justifying their behaviour to friends or family (“They didn’t mean it like that,” “They’re just stressed”).
• You feel profoundly lonely, even when you’re physically together.
• You hold back your true feelings or needs to avoid triggering a negative reaction or dismissal.
• You feel responsible for managing their emotions or reactions.

It’s common to feel this way, and it’s not unreasonable to want to feel seen and emotionally supported.

So, is healthy connection possible? Sometimes. But it often requires significant effort, including setting firm boundaries, potentially seeking couples therapy (if they are willing), or, in some situations, creating emotional or physical distance to protect your own wellbeing.

It’s also vital to recognise when a lack of empathy might be part of a more significant, perhaps pathological, issue. Understanding the complexities of mental health can provide valuable context.

In these cases, your ability to ‘fix’ or change the person is very limited, and focusing on your own needs and boundaries becomes paramount. Constantly trying to get empathy from someone unable or unwilling to give it can be exhausting and harmful to your mental health.

Lacking Empathy: Can It Be Changed?

The good news is that lacking empathy isn’t always a fixed trait. If you’re worried about your own empathy levels, or someone else’s, know that growth and change are possible, but it starts with awareness and a genuine desire to evolve.

Yes, empathy can often be nurtured or expanded with conscious effort and the right support. In fact, research suggests empathy training programmes can be effective, potentially even reducing antisocial behaviour [13].

Many people have successfully learned to become more attuned to others’ feelings over time. Here are some ways empathy can be cultivated:

• Therapy: Therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or those specifically focused on empathy can help people understand their emotional barriers, learn to see things from others’ viewpoints, and respond more effectively [14][15][16][17][18]. Intensive therapy can sometimes yield results even in cases involving personality disorders, though progress can be challenging.
• Reflective exercises: Practices like journaling about emotional experiences (both one’s own and observed in others) or consciously trying to imagine situations from another person’s viewpoint can build emotional awareness.
• Mindfulness: Learning to slow down, pay attention to the present moment, and observe emotions without judgment – both within oneself and in others – can foster greater emotional attunement.
• Reading fiction: Engaging with stories and complex characters can actually enhance our ability to understand different perspectives and emotional landscapes.

However, the key ingredient is willingness. If someone is unaware of how their lack of empathy impacts others, or simply isn’t interested in changing, the dynamic in the relationship is unlikely to shift significantly. The motivation has to come from within

What to Do If You’re Struggling in a Relationship Lacking Empathy

It’s completely valid and important to prioritise your own emotional needs. You’re not asking for too much by wanting to feel understood and connected.

If you find yourself in a relationship that consistently feels one-sided, emotionally empty, or hurtful due to a lack of empathy, taking a step back to reflect and act is crucial for your wellbeing. What might that look like in practice?

Have you tried expressing your feelings, only to be met with dismissal, defensiveness, or a complete lack of understanding? Consider these steps:

• Acknowledge your feelings: First, validate your own experience. Are my emotional needs consistently being ignored or minimised? How does this pattern make me feel (e.g., lonely, frustrated, unimportant, anxious)?
• Communicate clearly (if safe and potentially productive): Use “I” statements to express how specific behaviours impact you, without blaming. For example, “When my feelings are dismissed, I feel hurt and disconnected.” Be prepared that this may not lead to change, but it clarifies your experience.
• Set firm boundaries: Protect your emotional energy. This might mean limiting emotionally vulnerable conversations, spending less time with the person, or deciding not to engage when empathetic responses are consistently absent. Your boundaries are about protecting you, not changing them.
• Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences. Therapy, in particular, can help you clarify your needs, build self-esteem, develop coping strategies, and gain confidence in setting necessary limits. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

It may also be helpful to learn more about conditions where empathy challenges are common, not to diagnose, but to understand potential patterns. This article on Personality Disorders offers deeper insight.

Final Thoughts

Whether you’re noticing a lack of empathy in others or perhaps reflecting on your own capacity for it, remember that understanding is the first step towards healthier connections.

Empathy is more than just a soft skill; it’s a fundamental aspect of emotional presence and mutual respect. When it’s consistently missing, relationships inevitably suffer.

Recognising the signs, understanding potential roots, and knowing how to protect your own emotional wellbeing can empower you to make choices that foster more fulfilling and supportive relationships in your life.

Seeking support, whether through personal reflection, talking with loved ones, or professional therapy, is a courageous and valuable step. We offer a free 15 min consultation to discuss how we can help. Reach out today.

Key Takeaways: Lack of Empathy in Relationships

• Lack of empathy involves difficulty understanding, sharing, or responding appropriately to others’ emotions. It isn’t always intentional malice, but its impact can be deeply hurtful.
• It often affects others more acutely than the person lacking empathy, leaving partners, friends, or family feeling dismissed, isolated, or emotionally drained. Your feelings about this are valid.
• Common signs include frequent dismissiveness, poor listening skills (interrupting, ignoring), lack of remorse or apology, judgmental reactions (“you’re too sensitive”), and difficulty sharing in others’ joy.
• Long-term exposure can negatively impact your self-esteem, increase anxiety, create confusion, and potentially contribute to depression [4][5][6][7]. Prioritising your emotional health is key.
• Potential causes are varied, including childhood experiences, trauma, cultural norms, burnout, or underlying mental health conditions like certain personality disorders [8][9][10][11][12].
• Change is possible if the individual is aware and motivated, often through therapy [14][15][16][17][18], self-reflection, and mindfulness. Research even suggests empathy training can be effective [13]. However, willingness is essential, and change cannot be forced.
• If you’re struggling, focus on validating your own feelings, setting clear boundaries, communicating assertively (when appropriate), and seeking external support. Sometimes, creating distance is the healthiest option.

Take the Next Step

If you recognise these signs in your relationships, or in yourself, remember that understanding is the first step towards change. Therapy can provide a space to explore these patterns and develop healthier ways of connecting. We offer a free 15 min consultation to discuss how we can help. Reach out today.