Surviving Narcissistic Gaslighting: Signs and Coping Strategies

Introduction 

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be incredibly difficult, and can have a significant impact on your self-confidence and overall emotional well-being. Although we all hold certain expectations of how our ideal partnership will pan out, a relationship with a narcissist does not often live up to those expectations. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic often used by narcissists to control others around them. Those who fall victim to narcissistic gaslighting can experience serious psychological effects, including the effects of gaslighting, that can be significant and long-lasting. With that in mind, it is important to be able to identify the signs and understand the impact they can have. In certain cases, relationship therapy and assertiveness training might be required to help you overcome these effects. In this article we’ll be diving into the signs of narcissistic gaslighting, how to respond, as well as some coping strategies you can implement.

What is Narcissistic Gaslighting?

Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used by individuals with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It involves distorting or altering someone’s perception of reality to gain control and power over them. A gaslighting narcissist may exhibit these behaviors, and is a form of gaslighting that usually begins slowly and is often absent at the start of relationships, as it usually goes through specific stages. The honeymoon phase is designed to gather trust from the individual and often includes love bombing. After some time, devaluation begins, and the narcissist gradually undermines the victim’s confidence, beliefs, and judgments. Over time, the gaslighting can intensify further, causing the victim to question their reality, and lose their sense of self [1] [2].

Some gaslighting techniques used by narcissists during the cycle can include: 

• Being overly charming 
• Charismatic 
• Lying
• Exaggerating 
• Minimising
• Manipulating facts

Signs of Narcissistic Gaslighting 

Identifying the red flags that indicate you might be dealing with a narcissistic gaslighter is the first step in regaining control over your well-being and eliminating the toxicity from your life. Here are a few signs and examples of narcissistic gaslighting to look out for [3]:

Denying and distorting reality

Narcissists may tell conflicting stories or make false accusations, denying events or pretending they didn’t happen a long time ago. They find ways to deflect the blame off of themselves to avoid being held accountable for your perceived flaws. For example, your partner might accuse you of cheating on them, even though you have been faithful and have evidence to prove it.

Minimising feelings

After causing their partner to question their own reality, narcissists invalidate their feelings by dismissing them as irrational or exaggerated. A narcissist might say that you’re overreacting or are being ‘too sensitive’ to discount their partner’s emotional experiences. For example, you might tell your partner that you feel hurt and disappointed that they cancelled plans last minute, but they respond by belittling your emotions, saying you’re making a big deal out of nothing.

Blaming and shifting responsibility

Narcissists refuse to take responsibility for their actions and instead shift the blame onto their partner. They may accuse their partner of being too sensitive or imply that their own negative behaviours were a result of their partner’s actions. An example of this might be, after an argument, your partner blames you for triggering their anger, claiming that your behaviour forced is a common way of forcing them to act in a negative way.

Twisting the truth/contradictions

Narcissists manipulate the truth to suit their own agenda, making their partner question their own reality. They undermine their partner’s confidence in their own thoughts and experiences.

For example, your partner might insist that a conversation never took place or that they never said hurtful things to you, despite your clear recollection of what happened.

Using hurtful language

Narcissists dismiss their partners with hurtful language, calling them ‘crazy’ or ‘paranoid’. They use emotionally damaging words to further undermine their partner’s self-esteem. An example of this might be that during an argument, your partner disregards your perspective and dismisses your concerns by labelling you as overly dramatic or unstable, making you feel like you are walking on eggshells.

Withholding love and affection 

Narcissists use affection and love as a means of control, threatening to withhold it until their partner complies with their demands or agrees with their version of events. For example, your partner may threaten to stop showing you love or withhold sex, admiration, unless you apologise for something or accept their distorted version of the truth.

Isolating the victim from support systems

Narcissists isolate their partners from friends and family to maintain control over their lives, often creating a toxic environment that characterizes a narcissistic relationship. They discourage spending time with loved ones who might challenge their behaviour. This makes the victim more reliant on their narcissistic partner to get their own needs for validation and support met. For example, they might encourage you to distance yourself from your friends, family and loved ones and rely solely on them for guidance and support.

Coping with Narcissistic Gaslighting

Although dealing with a narcissistic gaslighter can be challenging, these strategies can help you regain your sense of self, learn how to fight the gaslighting of a narcissist, make your own decisions, and protect yourself from manipulative behaviour [1][3][4]. It is important to remember that you are not alone!

Educate yourself

Make sure to do some research on narcissism, gaslighting, and manipulative behaviours to gain a deeper understanding of what you’re dealing with. By doing so, you’ll be able to recognise that the problem lies with the gaslighter, not with you! This is the first step in the healing process. 

Trust your instincts 

Belief in your own perceptions and experiences is incredibly important. Try your best to stand in your truth, not allowing the gaslighter to sway your judgement. Trust your gut feelings when something feels off or when you suspect manipulation. 

Set boundaries

Although it can be hard, make sure to establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. Make it known what behaviours you will not tolerate and stick to the terms. Setting healthy boundaries can help protect both your mental and emotional well-being.

Maintain a support system 

One of the most important coping strategies is to surround yourself with people you trust – friends, family, or a therapist can provide an objective perspective and support you in the way you need. Having a solid support system can ensure that your feelings and experiences are validated, as well as provide a safe space to express how you really feel.

Practice self-care 

Self-care is a crucial component in the healing process. Self-care looks different for everyone and can include exercise, mindfulness, or any activities that bring you joy and help you prioritise your well-being. However you choose to practise self-care, it can serve as an important reminder that you are deserving of your time and attention! 

Document incidents

Keep a record of incidents, conversations, and potentially manipulative tactics used by the gaslighter. Keeping track of the treatment you are receiving from your partner or the words they have used can serve as a reminder of the gaslighting behaviours and help you maintain clarity about the situation. In addition, you can refer back to certain incidents as evidence if your partner begins to question your memory. 

Seek professional help

Being a victim of narcissistic abuse, characterized by a lack of empathy from abusers, can be an incredibly difficult, emotionally taxing experience to overcome on your own. If you notice that you might need extra help, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor who specialises in narcissistic abuse and the tactics of narcissistic abusers. They can provide you with tools, strategies, and emotional support to navigate the challenges of dealing with a gaslighter.

Limit contact or cut ties if necessary

If the gaslighting behaviour has started to affect your well-being, consider distancing yourself or even ending the relationship altogether. This step in particular can be incredibly difficult, as you might be scared of losing an important relationship or struggle to come to terms with the fact that your partner might be a narcissist. Regardless, you may have begun to isolate yourself from your friends and family, or you might be struggling at work. You may constantly find yourself questioning your own memory and your own judgment, and these are all telltale signs that the gaslighting you are experiencing is impacting your day-to-day functioning. Always remember, protecting yourself should be your top priority.

Understanding the Impact of Narcissistic Gaslighting 

Gaslighting can profoundly impact the victim’s mental health and emotional well-being. 

Survivors of narcissistic gaslighting often experience a great deal of negative psychological effects, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, and a distorted sense of reality. Breaking free from the cycle of gaslighting requires recognising the signs, seeking support, and rebuilding your sense of self-worth and autonomy [5]. Here are just a few examples of the impacts it can have: 

• Distrust in your own feelings 
• Difficulty expressing yourself 
• Emotional instability 
• Low self-esteem 
• Physical symptoms (eg. headaches, insomnia, stomach problems) 

Seeking Professional Help

If you begin to notice that despite your best efforts, your experiences with a narcissistic gaslighter are having a significant impact on your relationship or overall well-being, it might be necessary to seek professional help. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help!

At Therapy Central we offer relationship therapy and assertiveness training, as well as more focused therapy such as stress counselling, anxiety therapy and therapy for low self-esteem. This treatment is available in London and everywhere else online. We use evidence-based interventions such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and other approaches to help you manage the potential narcissistic abuse in your relationship. 

At Therapy Central, you’ll be able to talk about your experience with professionals who are equipped to provide you with the help you need and support you in regaining control over your life, your relationship and your overall well-being.   

Consider contacting one of our qualified therapists today.

You can contact us and request a free 15 min consultation to see whether our help will suit your needs.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]