Overcoming Feeling Like a Failure at Life: 5 Coping Strategies

As much as we’d like that to be true, life is not a string of achievements. The human experience is, by default, imperfect, flawed and filled with failures as much as successes. Whether it’s relationship issues, not getting a promotion or being rejected by a love interest, some people can dust themselves off and bounce back quickly afterwards [1], while others seem to fall into the vicious cycle of guilt and shame, blaming themselves for the slightest hiccups, thinking: “I feel like a failure at life”. Such a mindset only leads to mental health issues like low self-esteem, lack of confidence, self-sabotage, perfectionism, rumination, and depression or anxiety

Fortunately, there are many healthy ways to address this issue. Keep reading to learn more about the root causes of feeling like a failure, its consequences and coping strategies to change your relationship with failure and regain control of your life. 

Illustration of a person looking unhappy while gazing at their reflection in the mirror, symbolizing self-doubt and feelings of failure in life.

How to Recognise Feelings of Failure?

When you’re in a room full of people, whether at work or a party, do you tend to compare yourself to others and feel inadequate?

Do you struggle with feeling not good enough, no matter how hard you work or how much you achieve?

Is it difficult to stop thinking you’ll never amount to anything after making a minor mistake?

Whenever you feel like a failure, it’s easy to slip into a harmful pattern of thinking and behaving, characterised by

  1. Focusing only on the negative aspects of an event:  i.e. ruminating on the awkward conversation on a first date 
  2. Jumping to conclusions: i.e. thinking: “Who would ever want to be with me? All I’m doing is failing in life.”
  3. Comparing yourself to others: i.e. “I’ll never perform as well as my coworkers.”
  4. Imposter syndrome: “I have failed at everything in my life. I don’t deserve to work here.”
  5. Heightened anxiety: i.e. “They’ll reject me once they see my flaws.”

Sooner or later, these negative thoughts become your beliefs, acting as a self-fulfilling prophecy and influencing your self esteem. Since you already feel like a failure, you’re inclined to avoid taking risks and challenging yourself. In the hopes of playing it safe, you actually engage in self-sabotage [2], preventing yourself from learning and growing. 

Here’s an example:

Take Tom, a diligent worker with a habit of comparing himself to others. After stumbling over a few words in an otherwise excellent presentation, Tom thought, ‘I messed up. I’m a failure.’ This style of thinking (a thinking error also known as ‘jumping to conclusions’) triggered his anxiety, and he began to avoid challenging tasks at work, fearing he wasn’t good enough, reinforcing his negative perception of himself and his abilities . His performance declined, not because he lacked skills, but due to his self-fulfilling prophecy of failure and low self esteem. His story illustrates the damaging cycle of persistent feelings of failure, often needing interventions like therapy to break.

Dealing with feeling of failure can lead you to struggle with issues such as:

  1. low motivation,
  2. excessive procrastination,
  3. low self-esteem and lack of confidence,
  4. painful feelings like shame, sadness, disappointment, low mood,
  5. depression,
  6. anxiety.

If you’ve been experiencing a constant feeling of failure, hopelessness or lack of interest in things which used to bring you joy, depression counselling might help you address these issues.

Why Do I Feel Like a Failure? Root Causes

Illustration of an adult scolding a confused child, representing how early experiences and criticism can contribute to feelings of failure later in life.

Like with any dysfunctional core beliefs, thinking that you failed at life or that you’ll never succeed no matter what you do most commonly has its roots in adverse childhood experiences, such as:

  • Being bullied by other children.
  • Experiencing a traumatic event, such as physical, verbal or sexual abuse.
  • Growing up with a) very successful parents/caregivers, who:
    • unknowingly put pressure to achieve similar success,
    • often filled you with feeling of failure.
  • Growing up with b) emotionally unavailable parents who:
    • overly criticised your actions,
    • set unrealistic expectations for you,
    • only paid attention to you if you were calm, polite and helpful,
    • did not embrace or accept you unconditionally.
  • Growing up with c) “Helicopter parents“, who:
    • exerted excessive control,
    • did everything for you.

How to Stop Feeling Like a Failure: 5 Coping Strategies

As children, we make sense of the world by watching others and learning through those observations. Consequently, it’s common to internalise the critical voice of your parent, blame yourself for their anger outbursts or adopt their beliefs regarding success or failure. 

As a result, you might struggle in your adulthood with unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving. Yet, instead of scolding yourself in hopes of overcoming failure, you can focus your energy on more productive ways of coping. 

Here are 5 strategies to overcome feeling like you failed at life:

Acknowledge and Embrace Your Feelings 

Figuring out what to do when you feel like a failure begins and ends with treating yourself with kindness, compassion and unconditional acceptance. Just imagine how differently you might feel if you chose to respond with warmth and empathy toward yourself instead of berating yourself for every mistake.

Let’s say you catch yourself feeling like a failure at work. Rather than distract yourself or attempt to avoid or suppress it, try to:

  1. open yourself up to this emotional experience
  2. notice your thoughts, bodily sensations and other feelings
  3. identify and label your emotions, such as anger, frustration, embarrassment or shame

Lastly, refrain from judging yourself with harsh thoughts, i.e. “I am a failure in life”. Instead, treat yourself as you would a dear friend or as you’d like to be treated in your childhood when facing a similar situation. Be warm, understanding and accepting. Failure is a part of life, including all the emotions around it.

Illustration of a smiling woman pointing at her reflection in the mirror with hearts around her, representing self-acceptance and embracing positive feelings.

Reframe Your Perspective

Your thoughts are not facts or objective reflections of reality, they’re your mental events, and when it comes to making mistakes, chances are they’re quite distorted. 

For example, you might notice this thought after a job interview: “I’m a failure – no one will ever hire me”. In that situation, I encourage you to:

  1. hit a pause and take a moment to reflect on that,
  2. consider whether that statement is true,
  3. look for proof against it, i.e. past experiences of being hired, other times you were successful in life,
  4. notice any thinking errors, i.e.: using the words “no one” or “ever” is characteristic of black-and-white thinking

Finally, find a more accurate way to describe your feelings, such as: “I’m not satisfied with the job interview. Perhaps I won’t get hired this time.”

Redefine Failure

At the core of your issue lie beliefs you hold about yourself, others, and the world regarding setbacks and success. Reflect on that with these questions:

  1. Why am I such a failure at life? How can I recognise it?
  2. What does failing at life mean to me?
  3. How do I define failure and success?
  4. Does making a mistake mean that you’re a bad person?
  5. Does succeeding make you a good one?

Our society praises success and is obsessed with people who have many achievements, but rarely does it acknowledge the vital role of failure in their accomplishments. Most successful people had struggled for a long time before fulfilling their dreams and continue to do so; the same people are also continuing to fail at several things in life, just like everyone else.

Experiencing setbacks is an intrinsic part of life [3] and a valuable learning opportunity. It shows us what to improve and how to adjust to achieve the goals we set for ourselves. Failing does not mean that you’re a lost cause. It means that you’re actively trying to become a better version of yourself, and you can be proud of yourself for not giving up.

Notice the Positives and Cultivate Gratitude

The more you feel like a failure, the more negative aspects of your life you’ll see. Yet, shifting your perspective to everything that works for you can help you create more distance and become less attached to the idea that you’re a failure at life.

Do so by practising gratefulness daily. After you get up or before you go to bed, take a couple of minutes to write down a list of 5-10 things you’re grateful for on this day. Focus on the details, such as:

  1. eating a delicious breakfast,
  2. sleeping soundly through the night,
  3. having access to potable water,
  4. an interesting conversation you had with your colleague.

Treat these lists as reminders of what you’re fortunate enough to have in your life. It’s not a given, so don’t take it for granted.

Set Realistic Goals

Illustration of a woman stepping out of an open birdcage, symbolizing freedom and progress, representing setting realistic goals to overcome feelings of failure.

One of the reasons for struggling with the feeling of failure at life is setting unrealistic expectations and having unrelenting standards. Stretching yourself too thin is a one-way street to disappointment, frustration and shame, ultimately leading to a lack of motivation and a sense of being stuck. 

To avoid these consequences, you can set realistic, well-balanced objectives ( i.e. SMART goals) and create a concrete plan for how you will get there. Doing so will set you up for success and give you a chance to face the challenge.

For instance, if your goal is to write a book, don’t set an unrealistic target like writing 10 pages every day. Instead, start small, perhaps by writing one page daily. Gradually increase your pace as you get comfortable. This way, you won’t be overwhelmed, and you’ll make steady progress towards your goal. Doing so will set you up for success and give you a chance to face the challenge.

Take Action:

All this theory presents little value with no practice. It’s crucial to step out of your comfort zone and embrace the unknown to overcome your feeling of failure. You can start small and move one step at a time. 

Example 1: Let’s take the gym and your workout progress as an example: if you’d like to maintain a workout routine but feel like a failure at the gym because you tend to compare yourself to all the other fit people, then:

  1. start by training at home,
  2. then, take a friend to the gym, 
  3. finally, go there on your own.

Throughout this process, track your progress by comparing your current performance to the past ones and celebrate your wins, no matter how big or small.

Example 2: Let’s take public speaking as another example: if you feel like a failure because you fear speaking in front of a crowd, then:

  1. start by practicing speaking in front of a mirror,
  2. then, present in front of a small group of close friends or family,
  3. finally, try speaking at small public gatherings.

Like with the gym example, track your progress by noting improvements in your speaking skills and confidence levels, and celebrate your wins, no matter how big or small.

These changes should help make your strategies more relatable and practical.

Illustration of a hand placing hearts into a jar, symbolizing investing in self-love and seeking professional support to overcome feelings of failure.

Seek Professional Support

While self-help strategies are crucial, reaching out to your support system — close friends or family members — can also provide a sense of relief and connection. Open up about your struggles and talk about them with a close friend or family members. Maybe they’re going through a similar battle. Perhaps just sharing your emotions might help release the pain.

However, a heart-to-heart with your friend might not be enough. If that’s your case, don’t hesitate and get professional help. At Therapy Central, we understand the complexities of low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and the lingering pain of feeling like a failure. Starting a therapeutic process and discussing your problems with a depression counsellor or a therapist for low self-esteem and lack of confidence can help you:

  1. get to the root of your painful feelings
  2. replace dysfunctional beliefs with healthy alternatives,
  3. make progress and reach your goals
  4. regain control of your life the right support.

Feeling like a failure at life is a common struggle, and while it’s uncomfortable and hurtful, you can overcome it. With the right tools and the support of an experienced therapist, you can befriend failing and learn ways to strengthen your resilience and bounce back stronger than before.

Contact us for a free 15-minute consultation here.

FAQ

Many people experience a deep feeling of failure at life due to past traumas or unmet expectations. This can stem from adverse childhood experiences such as bullying, abusive relationships, or overly critical or emotionally unavailable parents. These experiences can create a mindset where you believe you’re constantly failing at life, no matter what you do. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are rooted in negative past experiences, not present-day reality.

To stop feeling like a failure, start by treating yourself with kindness and compassion. Accept that failure is a natural part of life. Reframe your thoughts, challenge negative beliefs, and practice seeing failure as a learning experience. Focus on realistic goals, acknowledge your progress, and avoid comparing yourself to others. Over time, these strategies can help you shift your mindset and regain confidence.

Failure in life is subjective. It can be viewed as falling short of personal expectations, societal norms, or goals. However, failure is often a stepping stone to growth and learning. Embracing failure as part of the journey can lead to resilience and eventual success.

When you feel like a failure at life, try acknowledging your emotions instead of suppressing them. Identify and label the feelings, whether it’s frustration, shame, or disappointment. Then, take action by setting small, achievable goals. By making steady progress, you can break free from the cycle of self-sabotage and prove to yourself that you’re capable of succeeding.

This belief often comes from internalised self-criticism and unrealistic standards. Many people feel like they’ve failed at life because they define success in rigid or extreme terms. Remember, everyone experiences setbacks and mistakes. They do not define your worth or your overall success in life. Reevaluate your expectations and recognize that failure is a stepping stone to growth, not an indicator of your value.

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when past failures seem to pile up, but it’s crucial to challenge the idea that you’ve “failed at everything.” Try to identify positive moments in your life, no matter how small, and use them as proof that you are capable of success. Practicing gratitude and setting realistic, attainable goals can also help shift your focus from failure to progress.

Yes, therapy can be incredibly beneficial if you’re struggling with persistent feelings of failure. A therapist can help you explore the root causes of these emotions, challenge negative beliefs, and develop healthier coping strategies. They can also guide you through addressing related issues such as anxiety, low self-esteem, or depression, allowing you to regain control of your life. Get in touch with us today to start working on your difficulties!

References

[1] Johnson, J., Panagioti, M., Bass, J., Ramsey, L., & Harrison, R. (2017). Resilience to emotional distress in response to failure, error or mistakes: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 52, 19-42.

[2] Bartels, J. M., & Herman, W. E. (2011). Fear of Failure, Self-Handicapping, and Negative Emotions in Response to Failure. Paper presented at the Annual Convention of the Association for Psychological Science (APS) (23rd, Washington, D.C., May 28, 2011). Online Submission.

[3] Arruda, W. (2015, May 14). Why Failure Is Essential To Success. Forbes. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/williamarruda/2015/05/14/why-failure-is-essential-to-success/?sh=735365847923

Further Reading

  1. Depression Counselling
  2. Counselling for Low self-esteem and Lack of Confidence
  3. Anxiety Therapy
  4. How To Stop Ruminating
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