Have you often been dismissed or ignored as a child?
Is it impossible for you to emotionally connect to your parent?
Do you struggle with feeling not good enough, no matter how hard you try?
If so, chances are you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents, feeling rejected and invisible. Even if they met your basic physical needs, you probably still longed for the emotional bond you were deprived of, which can manifest as a persistent void and feelings of devaluation and neediness in adulthood. In the long term, a lack of emotional support and neglect of emotional needs can lead to mental health issues, such as relationship issues, low self-esteem, poor boundaries, anxiety, or depression.
Recognising the emotionally unavailable parents can often neglect their children’s emotional needs, leading to feelings of abandonment and insecurity. It is crucial for children to feel emotionally supported and validated by their parents in order to develop healthy emotional intelligence and self-esteem based on their own experiences. Parents who are emotionally unavailable may struggle to provide the necessary emotional guidance and nurturing that children require for their overall well-being, sometimes due to their own issues such as addiction. Signs of emotionally unavailable parents can be challenging, especially when that was your norm growing up. That’s why this article focuses on emotional unavailability, ways to recognise its signs and practical tips on overcoming this issue and taking steps towards healing.
Understanding Emotional Unavailability
Emotional availability is a foundation on which parents build a healthy relationship with their children. It creates a sense of emotional safety, which fosters learning, personal growth, and independence of their child [1].
However, if your parents were emotionally unavailable, they deprived you of those opportunities, leading you to feel confused, rejected, and starved for love and connection.
Perhaps you found yourself:
- taking on adult responsibilities despite your young age
- switching roles within the family – parenting the parents.
- avoiding your parent due to their unreliability, self-centredness, and tendency to cause stress rather than providing support
Characteristics and Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Parent
Dr Zeyen Biringen, known for her research on adult-child relationships, created a model of emotional availability, which categorises the behaviour of emotionally unavailable parents into 4 groups:
| Characteristics | Examples |
Emotional Distance | inability to empathise with a child | Your emotionally unavailable mother looked uncomfortable in emotionally vulnerable moments and ignored your distress.
|
paying attention to a child only in emergencies | ||
refusing to get emotionally involved when their child needed it the most | ||
Emotional Instability | unpredictable emotional behaviours | You often felt like you had to walk on eggshells around your emotionally unavailable father so that he doesn’t lash out at you or criticise you. |
overreacting to small mistakes made by a child | ||
directing anger in stressful times at the child | ||
Psychological Inflexibility | not accepting other opinions, even when rooted in facts | Your emotionally absent mother would not only never apologise or admit to making a mistake but would expect you to apologise first, even if you were not to blame. |
not willing to reflect on their own actions | ||
“my way or the highway” approach | ||
getting extremely defensive | ||
Self Centredness | expecting their child to be their close friend but not the other way around | Your emotionally absent father expected you to talk to him about his marital issues, but refused to listen to your problems. |
directing each conversation to focus on themselves | ||
using emotional manipulation to fulfil their needs | ||
invalidating the successes of a child |
The Impact of Emotionally Unavailable Parents on Children
Growing up with a cold mother syndrome can have lasting effects of emotionally unavailable parents on a person’s emotional well-being. Children of emotionally unavailable parents may struggle with forming healthy relationships and expressing their own emotions, often exhibiting narcissistic traits as a result. It is important for individuals who have experienced this type of upbringing to seek therapy or support to work through any unresolved issues and learn how to cultivate healthy connections in their lives.
Externalisers vs Internalisers
Depending on their personality, children of emotionally absent parents react on the spectrum of externalising vs internalising emotional neglect:
Externalisers | Internalisers |
tendency to blame others | tendency to self-blame |
labelled as rebels/troubled youth | labelled as easy going/over-achievers |
emotionally immature tendencies, i.e. – emotional manipulation – using guilt to get what they want | Due to the longing for a genuine bond, they tend to put others first, which can result in burn out and resentment. |
acting out through: – substance use, – dangerous/illegal behaviours. | bottling up strong emotions, i.e.: – masking repressed anger, – deep loneliness. |
critical of others | highly self-critical / feeling “not good enough” |
their issues are often noticed | their issues often go unnoticed |
To cope effectively with that developmental trauma, it’s crucial to understand the impact that the upbringing by emotionally unavailable parents can have on your mental health.
Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents: Issues in Adulthood
If you grew up with dysfunctional patterns instead of healthy role models, possibly due to your parent’s mental health issues, there’s a higher risk that, as an adult, you might struggle with:
- people-pleasing,
- poor boundary setting,
- fear of abandonment,
- relationship issues,
- substance abuse,
- lack of direction and identity,
- intense shame,
- low self-esteem [1],
- repressed anger,
- narcissistic and borderline personality traits,
- eating disorders,
- anxiety,
- Depression.
The Role of Attachment Styles in Emotional Unavailability
Attachment theory (Bowlby, J., 1969) [2] explains the importance of the emotional bond created between a child and their parent in their life. Its purpose is to help children survive and fulfil their social and emotional needs.
A warm and caring environment fosters a secure attachment style, resulting in positive characteristics [3] in one’s adulthood, i.e.:
- comfortable emotional expression
- healthy self-esteem
- valuing intimacy, honesty, and independence in a relationship
Failing to create safety and not meeting the needs of a child results in developing one of three insecure attachment styles: | |||
| Avoidant | Anxious | Disorganised |
Self-Image | “lone-wolf” | negative self-esteem | unpredictable/indecisive |
Beliefs | “I am strong, I don’t need anyone” | “I need a better half to complete me.“ | “I want to be loved but I’m scared to let others in” |
Needs | never depend on others | receive attention and care | intimacy, closeness |
Issues | avoiding intimacy | fear of abandonment | fear of getting hurt |
difficulty expressing emotions | being clingy/needy | trust issues | |
Absent Parent Syndrome
Absent parent syndrome refers to a parent’s emotional unavailability and lack of involvement in their child’s life, sometimes due to illness, divorce [4], or work. More often, though, your parents might seem to show no interest in your life, despite their physical presence.
Signs of the emotionally absent mother or father include:
- little emotional involvement, guidance, or support.
- constant preoccupation with other things
- unrealistic expectations
- sarcasm
- ignoring you
Healing Relationships with Emotionally Unavailable Parents
What you perceive as signs your parents don’t love you is actually their emotional unavailability. Realising it’s not your fault can be overwhelming, but also helpful in reducing shame and taking action to overcome this issue.
Observe
Take on a role of a curious scientist:
- observe their different patterns, signs and behaviours.
- notice what triggers you and how it makes you feel
- rather than react in old ways, take a step back and disengage.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Most likely, your emotionally unavailable parents don’t respect your boundaries and never taught you that crucial skill. Set healthy boundaries first with yourself, then with others. Focus on:
- situations when you wanted to say ‘no’ but didn’t, i.e. being pressured by one parent to keep secrets from others,
- behaviours of your parent that hurt/bother you, i.e. your mother commenting sarcastically on your looks,
- moments when you feel gaslighted, i.e. “When I was your age, I took better care of my parents…”
These are your clues on when to prioritise yourself.
Gain Distance
Just because you recognise how emotionally unavailable your parents are, it doesn’t mean they do too. If that’s the case, the best decision you can take is to distance yourself from the toxic dynamic they’re (likely inadvertently) forcing on you.
Taking a step back and protecting your well-being is absolutely ok – you’re not obliged to stay in touch with your parents. While seemingly impossible at first, distancing yourself for a while is often the only way to heal your relationship.
Let go of your fantasy
In her excellent book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” [5], Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist, explains that “a healing fantasy” is the pipe dream of gaining approval from emotionally unavailable parents by trying harder (getting better grades, helping more, agreeing to everything etc.).
Sadly, it only leads to perfectionism, unhealthy relationship patterns, and shame. To stop this cycle, ask yourself: “What am I hoping to achieve? What’s the magic solution?”.
Once identified, let go of your fantasy. While you can’t change your emotionally unavailable parents, you can change your approach. Try your best to manage your expectations and accept reality instead of fighting against it. It can help remove the tensions and navigate your relationship with greater ease.
Overcoming the Impact of Emotionally Unavailable Parents
Focus on self-discovery
Who are you outside of your family?
What are your hopes, dreams and passions?
Cultivate authenticity and direct your attention inwards for ways to support your well-being by:
- connecting with your inner child through your old hobbies/art projects
- practice self-soothing with meditation and mindfulness, i.e. deep breathing
- replacing negative thoughts with self-compassion
Find your tribe
While you can’t choose the family you’re born into, you can create a family and network of your own filled with emotionally available people you meet. Keep them close as they help you:
- experience what healthy relationships look like,
- feel seen, understood and accepted for who you are.
Seek Professional Help with Therapy Central
Being a child of emotionally unavailable parents is a painful experience, yet many people go through it. Remember that you don’t have to face that challenging reality alone. Discussing your issues in the safety of a therapeutic setting creates an opportunity for you to:
- express your emotions,
- fulfil unmet needs with the assistance of an experienced therapist,
- process complex thoughts,
- replace unhelpful beliefs with healthy alternatives.
FAQ
Emotionally unavailable parents often display emotional distance, unpredictability, and self-centeredness. Common signs include showing little interest in your life, ignoring your emotional needs, and being unapproachable in vulnerable moments. This can lead to feelings of neglect and rejection.
Children raised by emotionally absent parents often develop coping mechanisms that can manifest as relationship issues, low self-esteem, people-pleasing behaviors, or addiction. Many also struggle with poor boundaries, fear of abandonment, and repressed anger. These unresolved issues can lead to mental health struggles, including anxiety and depression.
Absent parent syndrome refers to a parent’s emotional unavailability and lack of involvement in their child’s life. Even if they are physically present, they may show little emotional guidance, support, or interest in the child’s experiences. This detachment can lead to feelings of abandonment and loneliness.
Healing begins with recognising that the emotional absence is not your fault. Setting healthy boundaries, distancing yourself if necessary, and working towards self-discovery are essential steps. Letting go of the fantasy of winning your parent’s approval and focusing on building emotionally fulfilling relationships with others can foster healing.
To cope, first observe the patterns of emotional neglect and identify triggers that affect you. Practice self-soothing techniques like mindfulness and meditation to manage negative thoughts. Finding support in emotionally available friends or a community can provide validation and help you feel seen and understood.
Yes, emotionally distant father-daughter relationships can occur when fathers fail to engage emotionally with their daughters. This dynamic often leads to low self-esteem and trust issues for the daughter in adulthood, making it important to seek healing and support.
Yes, therapy offers a safe space to process your emotions, cope with unresolved trauma, and explore healthier relationship patterns. Working with a therapist can help you replace harmful beliefs with positive alternatives and navigate the long-term effects of having emotionally absent parents. Get in touch with us today to start working on it!
