Self-Sabotage: Why You Hold Yourself Back

Ever catch yourself pulling away just when things start going well? Self sabotaging behaviour affects countless people who undermine their own success, happiness, and relationships.

Why would you work against your own interests? Let’s explore the psychology behind this and practical strategies to break free.

What Is Self Sabotaging Behaviour?

Self-sabotaging behaviour refers to actions, thoughts, or patterns that undermine your own success and well-being. It includes procrastination, perfectionism, negative self-talk, avoiding opportunities, and pushing away relationships when things go well.

So what is self sabotaging exactly? Think of it as your internal critic hijacking the steering wheel just when you least want it there. You sabotage yourself when you engage in thoughts, emotions, or behaviours that create obstacles to your own success and well-being.

It’s like having two different parts of your mind – one desperately wanting to succeed, and another constantly working against those very goals. You might find yourself procrastinating on important projects, picking fights with people you care about, or suddenly losing motivation just when you’re making real progress.

The self-sabotaging meaning includes both the obvious stuff (like deliberately avoiding opportunities) and the sneaky unconscious patterns that interfere with your long-term goals. Sometimes you’re fully aware you’re doing it. Other times? It happens without you even realising.

Common Signs You’re Self-Sabotaging

What does this look like in practice? Recognising self sabotaging behaviours is the first step towards change. Here are some patterns that might feel painfully familiar:

Professional Self-Sabotage:

• Missing important deadlines despite having plenty of time
• Avoiding networking opportunities or career advancement
• Perfectionism that keeps you from ever finishing projects
• That nasty inner voice during presentations or meetings

Personal Relationship Patterns:

• Starting arguments when things are going well
• Pushing away partners just as intimacy deepens
• Repeatedly choosing people who aren’t emotionally available
• Self-sabotaging relationships by creating unnecessary drama or distance

Personal Development Blocks:

• Starting healthy routines then abandoning them
• Setting unrealistic goals that guarantee failure
• Constantly comparing yourself unfavourably to others
• Avoiding opportunities that could actually lead to growth

Why Do I Self Sabotage?

The question “Why do I self sabotage?” often comes with frustration and genuine confusion. After all, it seems completely mad to work against your own interests, doesn’t it?

Why do people self sabotage makes perfect sense when you understand what’s happening beneath the surface. It’s usually not about lacking willpower or being fundamentally broken. Your mind tries to protect you from perceived threats, even when those “threats” are genuinely good things.

The Psychology Behind Self-Sabotage

Your brain evolved to keep you safe, not necessarily to keep you happy or successful. When you start achieving something new or moving towards unfamiliar territory, your mind might sound the alarm bells, even when it’s actually positive change.

Think of it like having that well-meaning friend who still treats you like you’re 16 – the one who panics when you take any risks, even though you’ve clearly grown up. This internal “friend” remembers every past hurt, disappointment, and failure, then tries to prevent them from happening again by keeping you in familiar territory.

This explains why you self sabotage when things are going well – your system treats success as potentially threatening.

Your nervous system tries to maintain the familiar. When you experience success or positive change, it might trigger alarm signals: “This is different from what we know. Different could mean dangerous.”
This is where approaches like mindfulness-based cognitive therapy can be helpful – they teach you to observe these protective thoughts and reactions without getting swept away by them 1.

Core Reasons People Self-Sabotage

Fear of Success: Success brings increased expectations and responsibility. If achievements previously led to pressure, your mind associates success with stress.

Fear of Failure: It feels safer to fail without trying than to fail despite your best effort. Research shows self-critical perfectionists are particularly vulnerable to this pattern 2.

Feeling Undeserving: When you believe you don’t deserve good things, your behaviours align with this belief, creating self-defeating actions.

Need for Control: Self-sabotage provides control over when things go wrong, creating an illusion of power in helpless situations.

Familiar Pain: Familiar dysfunction feels safer than unfamiliar joy. Your system recreates familiar patterns to feel “normal.”

Why Do I Self Sabotage When Things Are Going Well?

When life flows smoothly, your nervous system gets suspicious. If you’re used to struggle, ease can trigger anxiety. Your mind thinks: “This is too good to be true.”

Your brain’s “normal” comes from past experiences. If childhood involved chaos, your nervous system learnt that peace comes before storms. When things go well, an internal alarm blares: “Danger! Something bad is coming!” You unconsciously create familiar chaos to regain control.

Success anxiety triggers fears about increased responsibility, being exposed as fraudulent, losing gains, or identity shifts. These fears drive behaviours that undermine success before facing perceived threats.

Self Sabotaging Behaviours

Self sabotaging behaviours show up differently for everyone, but there are some common patterns you might recognise:

Procrastination and Perfectionism

These work together destructively. You delay starting because it needs to be perfect, then run out of time, creating a vicious cycle where you’re always falling short.

Research shows perfectionism and procrastination share cognitive distortions and paralysing fear of failure 3. Perfectionism protects by avoiding judgement – if you never finish, it can’t be judged inadequate. Procrastination affects approximately 20% of adults 4.

Relationship Sabotage

Self-sabotaging relationships includes creating unnecessary arguments, testing your partner’s patience, pulling away during intimacy, choosing unavailable partners, and projecting old wounds onto current relationships.

Career and Goals

Professional patterns include missing opportunities, downplaying achievements, avoiding leadership roles, never finishing projects, poor networking, and imposter syndrome preventing applications for qualified positions.

Health and Self-Care

Sabotaging wellbeing through abandoning exercise routines, stress-eating, poor sleep habits, avoiding medical care, and neglecting joy-bringing activities.

The Hidden Benefits of Self-Sabotage

Now, this might sound strange, but understanding what does self sabotage mean includes recognising that these behaviours actually serve a function, even though they’re ultimately unhelpful. Your mind isn’t trying to destroy you – it’s trying to protect you in the only way it knows how.

Understanding the hidden “benefits” of self-sabotage can help you recognise why these patterns persist, even when they’re clearly not serving you:

Recognising these hidden “benefits” isn’t about judging yourself harshly – it’s about understanding that your protective strategies made perfect sense given your past experiences. The question now is whether they still serve you.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Behaviour

Learning how to stop self sabotaging behaviour takes patience and loads of self-compassion. You’re essentially retraining patterns that might have developed over years or even decades. This isn’t going to happen overnight, and that’s okay.

Develop Awareness First

Notice when you’re self-sabotaging without immediately trying to stop it. Ask yourself:

• What situations trigger my self-sabotage?
• What thoughts appear before I sabotage?
• What emotions am I avoiding?
• What would happen if I didn’t sabotage?

Understand Your Triggers

Common triggers include success milestones, intimacy increases, recognition, decision points, and peaceful periods. Identifying triggers helps you prepare rather than being blindsided.

Challenge Your Internal Story

Question automatic thoughts:

• “I always mess up” → “What’s actually different this time?”
• “I don’t deserve this” → “Everyone deserves happiness, including me”
• “This won’t last” → “I can handle whatever comes”

Practise Self-Compassion

Speak to yourself like you would a good friend. Self-criticism reinforces negative beliefs and shame.

Start Small

Choose one area to reduce self-sabotage. Success builds confidence and creates healthier neural pathways.

Alternative Coping Strategies

Instead of procrastinating: Break tasks into steps, use the two-minute rule, optimize your environment.

Instead of perfectionism: Set “good enough” standards, share work before it feels perfect, focus on progress.

Instead of isolation: Schedule social contact, join aligned activities, practise vulnerable sharing.

Breaking the Cycle in Relationships

Relationship self-sabotage includes the Exit Strategy (keeping one foot out the door), Testing (creating drama to test care), and Comparison (measuring against impossible standards).

Building Healthier Patterns

Communicate your patterns to create teamwork rather than confusion. Stay present by asking: “What am I afraid of? Is this fear current or past-based?” Challenge assumptions by checking if interpretations come from previous relationships. Focus on building resilience rather than preventing all possible hurt.

When to Seek Professional Help

Self-sabotaging can indicate various mental health conditions including depression, anxiety, trauma, low self-esteem, or attachment disorders 5. Professional support can accelerate progress significantly.

It might be time to get some professional support if:

• Self-sabotage is seriously impacting your career, relationships, or overall wellbeing
• You feel stuck despite trying various strategies
• You’re dealing with anxiety, depression, or trauma alongside self-sabotage
• You want to understand the deeper roots of your patterns
• You’re ready to make real, fundamental changes but need guidance and support

Types of Therapy That Can Help

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for addressing self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviours. CBT helps you identify and change the specific thought patterns that drive self-destructive actions.

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) combines CBT techniques with mindfulness practices, helping you observe your thoughts and emotions without getting overwhelmed by them. NHS implementation studies with 1,554 service users found that 96% of individuals in the non-depressed range sustained their recovery after completing MBCT programmes 6. Meta-analysis evidence shows MBCT reduces risk of depressive relapse by 31% compared to those who don’t receive MBCT 7.

Schema Therapy addresses those deeper patterns and beliefs that might be driving self-sabotage, particularly ones rooted in early life experiences.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps you clarify your genuine values and commit to actions aligned with those values, even when you’re facing difficult emotions.

What to Expect in Therapy

Therapy provides a safe space to explore patterns without judgement, professional insight into underlying mechanisms, tailored strategies, ongoing support, and trauma processing. Many find therapy provides the missing piece for lasting change.

Moving Forward with Compassion

Self sabotaging behaviour developed for protective reasons that made sense then. Now you have new resources and choices. Breaking these patterns means updating your internal software to match current reality.

Change happens gradually with setbacks as part of the process. Each time you choose differently, you build new neural pathways, strengthen self-awareness, and prove change is possible.

Progress includes noticing patterns earlier, choosing healthier responses, showing self-compassion after setbacks, asking for help, and staying committed despite fear. You’re developing a healthier relationship with yourself through self-awareness, compassion, advocacy, and trust.

You deserve success, happiness, and genuine connections. The sabotaging part doesn’t need to disappear; it needs to learn you’re safe now and good things can last.

We understand how exhausting these patterns can be, and we’re here to support you through this process. Contact us for a free 15 min consultation to explore how therapy might support you in breaking these cycles and creating the life you truly want.