How to Deal with Regret: Finding Peace and Moving Forward

We all have moments we’d love to take back.

That decision from years back that still stings. Those words that flew out in anger. The chance you let slip through your fingers.

If you’re wrestling with regret right now, know that you’re not alone. Learning how to deal with regret is something loads of us grapple with.

Regret about past decisions affects 90% of adults [1], whether it’s managing guilt and regret or just trying to move forward. Let’s take a look at how we can start dealing with regret, through evidence-based strategies from CBT and other psychological approaches that can transform regret into growth and help you find peace.

How to Deal with Regret

Dealing with regret involves acknowledging feelings without judgment, understanding underlying causes, and transforming insights into positive change. Practice self-compassion, challenge what-if thinking, use grounding techniques like 5-4-3-2-1, and seek professional support when regret impacts daily functioning.

The 3-Step Framework for Processing Regret

Here’s a quick three step, practical framework to begin with. Next we’ll look more in depth at what regret actually is, its different types, and more.

Step 1: Acknowledge Without Dwelling

First up: it’s absolutely okay to feel regret. Don’t try shoving it away or pretending it doesn’t exist. Instead:

• Notice when the feeling appears
• Name it: “You’re feeling regret about…”
• Let yourself feel it briefly
• Then gently shift your attention elsewhere

Think of it like hearing someone knock at your door: you acknowledge it without inviting them to move in permanently.

Step 2: Understand Your Regret’s Message

Persistent regret often points to a mismatch between actions and core values. Research shows that intolerance of uncertainty and maximisation strategies are linked to increased regret 6. Ask yourself:

• What value does this regret highlight?
• How can you honour this value going forward?
• What small step can you take today that aligns with it?

Step 3: Transform Regret into Growth

When processed healthily, regret can actually become a powerful catalyst for positive change. Can’t change the past? Shape the future instead:

• Volunteer for causes linked to your regret
• Mentor others to avoid similar mistakes
• Advocate for change in relevant areas
• Create something positive from the experience

What Is Regret, Really?

Let’s start with the basics. Regret is that painful twinge we get when we wish we’d done things differently. It’s your brain’s way of saying, “Hey, we could’ve handled that better.”

From a psychological angle, regret actually serves a purpose. It helps us:

• Learn from past experiences
• Make better choices next time round
• Align our actions with our values
• Build empathy and understanding

Here’s the tricky bit though: sometimes our brain overdoes it. Instead of learning and moving on, we get trapped in endless loops of self-blame and what-ifs.

Understanding Different Types of Regret

Not all regrets are created equal. There are two main types that hit us differently:

Action Regrets: These stem from stuff we actually did: harsh words we spoke, risky choices we made, boundaries we crossed. Psychologist Thomas Gilovich found these typically sting like mad initially but tend to fade over time 2. You know that angry email you fired off to your colleague? The guilt might eat at you now, but it’ll likely ease up down the road.

Inaction Regrets: These are the opportunities we didn’t take – that job we turned down, the conversation we never had, the chance we let pass by. Studies show these actually grow stronger over time and often become our biggest life regrets 3. Those “what if you had…” thoughts? They can linger for decades.

Type of Regret	Initial Impact	Long-term Pattern	Common Examples	Best Coping Approach
Action Regrets	High intensity, sharp pain	Fades over time	Harsh words spoken, risky decisions, crossed boundaries	Self-forgiveness, making amends where possible
Inaction Regrets	Lower initial pain	Intensifies over time	Missed opportunities, unspoken feelings, paths not taken	Acceptance, finding new opportunities

Understanding which type you’re dealing with helps tailor your approach. Which one sounds more like you? Action regrets often need amends and self-forgiveness, while inaction regrets usually require acceptance and finding new opportunities.

How Regret Affects Your Mind and Body

Here’s something important: regret isn’t just in your head. It shows up physically too. Recognising these signs helps validate what you’re going through and signals when you might need extra support.

Emotional symptoms:

• Feeling down or low most days
• Anxiety and constant worry
• Shame spirals that won’t quit
• Trouble focusing on tasks
• Feeling numb or disconnected

Physical symptoms:

• Sleep problems (too much or too little)
• Changes in appetite
• Tension headaches
• Stomach troubles
• Feeling exhausted even after rest
• Tight shoulders and jaw (classic stress spots)

If several of these stick around for more than two weeks – especially if they’re messing with work or relationships – it’s worth chatting with your GP or a mental health professional.

Why Some Regrets Hit Harder Than Others

Ever noticed how some regrets barely register while others keep you up at night? You might forget about choosing the wrong sandwich by teatime, but still lie awake at 3am replaying something you said to someone years ago. Why’s that?

The intensity often comes down to:

• Impact: How big were the consequences?
• Values: Does it clash with what really matters to you?
• Control: Could you realistically have chosen differently?
• Time: How recent or distant is it?
• Repetition: Is it part of a pattern you’re trying to break?

Interestingly, research has found that romance tops the list at 19.3% of regrets, followed by family (16.9%), education (14.0%), and career (13.8%) 4. Getting this helps explain why some regrets feel manageable while others hang around like unwanted party guests who won’t take the hint.

Practical Strategies for Dealing with Regret

Now for the practical bit. Here are tried-and-tested techniques for dealing with regret and overcoming past mistakes:

1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

When regret threatens to overwhelm you, ground yourself in the present moment:

• 5 things you can see right now
• 4 things you can touch
• 3 things you can hear
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste

This simple trick pulls you straight out of the past and into the here and now. While specific research on this exact technique is limited, grounding methods are widely used in clinical practice for managing anxiety and trauma responses 5.

2. Write a Letter (But Don’t Send It)

Sometimes we need to get things off our chest. Write a letter to:

• Someone you feel you’ve wronged
• The situation itself
• Your future self

Pour your heart out, then safely bin it. This symbolic act can bring surprising relief.

3. Create a Learning Log

Turn regret into wisdom:

1. Briefly describe the situation
2. Identify what you learned
3. Note how you’ll use this learning
4. Recognise any growth that happened

This shifts focus from what went wrong to how you’ve grown.

4. Set “Worry Windows”

Rather than letting regret hijack your entire day:

• Schedule a specific 15-minute “regret window”
• During this time, fully explore those feelings
• When thoughts pop up outside this window, tell yourself: “That’s for your worry window”
• Gradually reduce how often you need these windows

This helps break the rumination cycle and keeps intrusive thoughts in check. Learn more about managing rumination to prevent regret from taking over your thoughts.

5. Question Your “What-If” Thinking

Our minds love playing the what-if game, don’t they? What if you’d taken that job? What if you’d said something? But here’s the thing: we’re assuming the alternative would’ve been perfect, which rarely matches reality.

Try this exercise:

1. Write down your what-if scenario
2. List three ways it could’ve gone wrong too
3. Think about what you’ve learned from your actual path
4. Note any good things that came from your choice

This isn’t about making excuses – it’s about seeing the whole picture, not just the shiny alternative.

The Self-Forgiveness Process

Learning to forgive yourself is crucial when dealing with regret. We’re often our own worst critics, aren’t we? When processing difficult feelings, try treating yourself like you would someone you care about. Ask yourself:

• Would we be this harsh with our best friend?
• What would we say to comfort them?
• How would we help them see things more clearly?

Self-forgiveness isn’t letting yourself off the hook – it’s creating space for healing. This process involves:

1. Acknowledging what happened – Accept responsibility without drowning in shame
2. Understanding your humanity – Recognise that making mistakes is part of being human
3. Making amends where possible – Take action to repair any harm caused
4. Committing to growth – Use lessons learned to make better choices
5. Practicing self-compassion – Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show others

Learn more about self-compassion techniques that can help break negative thought patterns and support the forgiveness process.

Letting Go of Past Mistakes

Sometimes letting go of past mistakes feels impossible, especially when they’ve caused significant consequences. Here’s how to begin releasing these burdens.

Practice Radical Acceptance

This doesn’t mean liking what happened. It means acknowledging reality without fighting it. Try this phrase: “This happened, and we can’t change it. We can only control what we do next.”

Develop a Growth Mindset

Rather than seeing mistakes as failures, view them as:

• Learning opportunities
• Steps on your journey
• Evidence you’re trying new things
• Part of being human

Fixed Mindset	Growth Mindset
“We failed”	“We learned”
“We’re stuck with this regret”	“We’re growing through this experience”
“We can’t change”	“We’re constantly evolving”
“This defines us”	“This is part of our story”

Seek Perspective Through Time

Picture yourself five years from now. What would future-you say about this regret? Time often provides perspective we can’t access right now. Letting go of past mistakes becomes easier when we see them as part of our larger life story rather than defining moments.

When Regret Becomes Something More

Sometimes, what starts as normal regret morphs into something more serious. Watch for these warning signs:

• Constant overthinking that disrupts daily life
• Persistent low mood or anxiety
• Sleep problems or appetite changes
• Pulling away from friends and activities
• Thoughts of self-harm

If you’re experiencing these symptoms, it might be time for professional support. UK residents can access support through NHS talking therapies (self-referral available) with typical waiting times of 6-18 weeks. Private therapy options like Therapy Central offer immediate access with specialised regret-focused CBT approaches tailored for UK adults.

Remember, reaching out for help shows strength, not weakness. Explore our anxiety therapy services if regret is triggering broader anxiety issues.

How CBT Helps Process Regret

CBT offers some brilliant structured techniques for tackling regret. At Therapy Central, therapists often guide clients through this process. CBT has been extensively researched and found effective in large numbers of outcome studies for psychiatric disorders including depression and anxiety 7. Here are some of the CBT tecnhiques that could be particularly helpful when dealing with regret:

• Thought Challenging: You identify and examine regret-related thoughts. That “everything’s ruined” becomes “we made a mistake with mixed consequences – some negative, but also some unexpectedly positive.” This balanced view reduces the emotional sting.
• Behavioural Experiments: Test your assumptions. If you think “Everyone judges us for that mistake,” try small experiments to gather real evidence. Often, others have moved on while we’re still stuck in the past.
• Values Clarification: Connect regrets to your core values. Regret about not spending time with family reveals how much you value connection. Use this insight to align current choices with what truly matters.
• Compassion-Focused Techniques: Build self-compassion through guided exercises. Imagine advising a friend with identical regrets; the kindness you’d show them is exactly what you deserve too.

This structured approach transforms regret from a source of suffering into valuable self-knowledge.

Dealing with Professional and Career Regrets

Professional regrets – from missed promotions to career pivots – require specific strategies. Workplace regret often involves reframing “failures” as learning experiences, seeking mentorship, and creating action plans for future opportunities. Consider how current skills transfer to desired roles.

Career regrets might include:

• Not taking that promotion
• Staying in the wrong job too long
• Not pursuing education or training
• Workplace conflicts handled poorly
• Missing networking opportunities

The key is transforming these regrets into actionable insights. What would you do differently now? How can you apply these lessons to current opportunities? Professional regrets often point toward our deeper career values and can guide more fulfilling choices moving forward.

A Philosophical Approach to Regret

Stoic philosophy views regret as attachment to unchangeable past. Accept what cannot be controlled whilst focusing energy on present choices. This doesn’t mean suppressing emotions but rather channeling them productively.

Ancient wisdom teaches us that suffering often comes from wishing reality were different. When we accept what has happened – not necessarily approve of it, but acknowledge it as part of our experience – we free up mental energy for constructive action.

This philosophical perspective helps us see regret not as punishment but as information about our values and priorities.

Building Resilience Against Future Regrets

While we can’t dodge all regrets, we can definitely build resilience. Here’s some actionable ways:

Decision-Making Framework

Before big decisions, consider:

• Does this align with our values?
• What would we regret more – doing it or not?
• Are we choosing from fear or growth?
• What would our wisest self do?

Regular Check-Ins

Schedule monthly “life reviews”:

• What went well?
• What could we have handled differently?
• What have we learned?
• How will we apply these lessons?

This prevents regrets from piling up unprocessed.

Getting Support in the UK

While self-help strategies work well, professional support helps when regret feels overwhelming. If you’re in the UK there are have several options:

NHS Services:

• Self-refer to NHS talking therapies (IAPT) – no GP referral needed. These services served nearly 1.2 million people in 2021/22 8
• Ring NHS 111 and select mental health if you’re in need of immediate support
• Speak with your GP about persistent regret affecting daily life

UK Mental Health Charities:

• Mind (0300 123 3393): Info and support for regret-related depression
• Samaritans (116 123): Round-the-clock emotional support
• Rethink Mental Illness: Resources for complex mental health challenges

Private Therapy Options: London and online therapy services like Therapy Central offer specialised support for processing difficult emotions. Many therapists use evidence-based approaches like CBT specifically adapted for regret and rumination patterns common in UK adults juggling modern life pressures.

Finding Support on Your Journey

Remember, you don’t have to navigate regret alone. Consider:

• Dealing with anxiety that often accompanies regret
• Building healthier emotional patterns
• Exploring CBT approaches for emotional processing
• Joining support groups
• Talking to trusted friends
• Working with a therapist

Professional support helps when regret feels overwhelming or connects to deeper issues like trauma or depression.

Overcoming Regret: Your Path Forward

Living with regret doesn’t mean being controlled by it. Regret is a normal human emotion that, when approached with compassion and practical strategies, can actually contribute to personal growth.

Keep in mind:

• Regret shows you care about your choices and their impact
• You can acknowledge past mistakes without being defined by them
• Every moment offers a fresh chance to align with your values
• Growth often springs from our most challenging experiences

The goal isn’t to never feel regret; it’s developing a healthier relationship with it. By learning how to cope with regret and overcoming regret through evidence-based approaches, you’re not just managing difficult feelings; you’re building emotional resilience that’ll serve you throughout life.

Finding it hard to move past persistent regret? If these feelings are significantly impacting your daily life, professional support can make a real difference. Our team at Therapy Central understands the weight of regret and can provide personalised strategies to help you find peace.

Contact us for a free 15 min consultation to explore how therapy could support your journey toward healing and growth.