Is there a name that still sends a familiar jolt through you when it flashes on your screen, even though you were never really together? If so, you know the unique and often lonely heartache of getting over someone you never officially dated.
It’s a confusing place to be, isn’t it? You’re trying to figure out how to get over someone when there are no breakup rules to follow. But let’s be clear: your feelings are real and they are completely valid. We’ll walk through why this hurts so much and share some gentle, practical steps to help you find closure and learn how to move on from someone who was never quite yours.
Why It Hurts: The Psychology of the ‘Almost’ Relationship
The ache of an unrequited or undefined relationship is often dismissed by others, but it’s a genuine form of grief. You’re not just mourning a person; you’re mourning the potential, the “what ifs,” and the future you imagined playing out in your mind. In fact, a 2011 study found that the brain regions that activate during romantic rejection are the same ones associated with physical pain, which helps explain why this experience can hurt so much 1.
This experience has a name: ambiguous loss. Coined by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970s, it’s the process of grieving something that was never clearly defined, which can make finding closure feel almost impossible 2. And it’s completely normal to feel that way 3. Exploring these feelings in relationship counselling can be a helpful step.
How to Get Over Someone You Were Never With
The first step is to give your own feelings some validation. It’s so easy to tell yourself you “shouldn’t” be this upset, but that just adds a layer of guilt to the pain. You are absolutely allowed to grieve what could have been.
- Acknowledge the Fantasy: Recognise that a large part of your attachment might be to the idea of the person and the relationship, not the reality.
- Allow Yourself to Grieve: Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, or disappointed. These feelings are a natural part of the process of getting over someone you never dated.
- Limit Contact (If Possible): Creating some distance can help you break the cycle of hope and disappointment. This might mean muting them on social media for a while.
The Psychology Behind the Hurt
So, can you be in love with someone you never dated? The short answer is yes, absolutely.
This intense feeling is sometimes referred to as limerence, an involuntary state of deep obsession and infatuation 4.
You might find this experience comes with:
– Constant, intrusive thoughts about them.
– An intense, almost aching desire for them to feel the same way.
– A habit of focusing only on their good qualities, creating an idealised version of them in your mind.
Recognising these signs doesn’t make the feelings less powerful, but it can help you understand that you’re experiencing a recognised psychological pattern. It’s not just you, and you’re not alone in this.
Practical Steps to Move On
Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, you can start taking practical steps to heal and redirect your energy.
Challenge Your Fantasies with Reality
Our minds are powerful storytellers. When we’re into someone, we often write a future with them – a fantasy that can feel incredibly comforting and real. And that’s okay.
A key step in how to move on from someone is to gently, and without judgment, challenge this narrative.
Ask yourself: ‘What do I actually know about this person, versus what have I imagined?’ This isn’t about being harsh on yourself. Creating a little space between the story and the reality helps loosen the fantasy’s grip.
Shifting Your Mindset
Learning how to move on from someone you never dated often starts with changing your thought patterns. This is where a tool like cognitive reframing can be powerful 5.
| Unhelpful Thought | Helpful Reframe |
|---|---|
| “If only I had done things differently.” | “I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.” |
| “I’ll never find anyone like them.” | “They had wonderful qualities, and I can look for those in someone who is available and chooses me.” |
| “There must be something wrong with me.” | “Our connection didn’t develop into a relationship. That’s about compatibility, not my worth.” |
Reinvesting in Yourself
This is a crucial time to turn your focus inward. How do you get over someone? By falling back in love with your own life. It’s about turning all that energy you were sending outwards, back towards yourself.
What did you love to do before this person occupied so much of your headspace? Give yourself permission to get lost in that again. Focus on a personal or professional goal that genuinely excites you, something that is just for you.
Strengthen Other Relationships
Nurture your friendships and family connections. According to the Mental Health Foundation in the UK, meaningful connections with friends, family, and community are vital for protecting our mental health 6. In the UK, there are so many ways to do this. You could join a local walking group through the Ramblers, take a pottery class at a community centre, or volunteer for a cause you care about. It’s about creating new, positive experiences that are entirely your own.
The Friendship Complication: What to Do When You Can’t Just Walk Away
Navigating how to get over someone you never dated but are still friends with is especially tricky. Sound familiar?
Creating Emotional Distance
You may need to take a step back from the friendship for a while to allow your feelings to settle. This doesn’t have to be a big announcement, but you can consciously decide to initiate less contact and politely decline some invitations.
Redefining the Boundaries
If you do continue the friendship, be clear with yourself about the new boundaries. This might mean no more late-night talks or one-on-one hangouts for a bit. The goal is to shift the dynamic from “potential romance” to “platonic friendship” in your own mind.
From ‘What If’ to ‘What’s Next’: A Note on Self-Worth
Here at Therapy Central, we often see how this experience can knock a person’s self-worth. You might easily internalise the rejection and think, ‘What’s wrong with me?’. We want to reframe that. The fact that this connection didn’t blossom is not a reflection of your value. This reflects a mismatch of timing, availability, or feelings. Your worth is inherent. The real task is to stop auditioning for a role in someone else’s life and start casting yourself as the lead in your own.
Conclusion
Letting go of someone you never dated is a real and valid emotional journey. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion.
It requires acknowledging your pain, understanding the psychology behind your feelings, and taking active steps to reinvest in yourself. Remember, the fact that you feel so deeply is a testament to your capacity for connection, and that is a beautiful, powerful thing.
If you’re finding it difficult to move forward on your own, exploring these feelings in relationship counselling can provide a supportive, non-judgmental space to heal and grow. Contact us for a free 15 min consultation to see how we can help.
FAQ
Is it normal to grieve someone I never dated?
Absolutely. Grief isn’t just for official relationships. You are grieving the loss of potential, of a future you imagined, and the emotional investment you made. Your feelings are completely valid.
How do I stop idealizing them?
Gently remind yourself that you were attached to a version of them, not the complete person with all their flaws. A helpful exercise is to write down not just what you liked, but also any potential incompatibilities or red flags you may have overlooked.
What if we work together or are in the same friend group?
This is incredibly tough. The key is to create emotional distance even if you can’t create physical distance. Limit one-on-one interactions, keep conversations brief and focused on the necessary topic (like work), and lean on other friends for support.
How do I know when I'm finally over them?
You’ll notice a gradual shift. The thought of them won’t trigger such an intense emotional response. You’ll find yourself thinking about them less, and you’ll feel a genuine sense of excitement about your own future, independent of them.
Can therapy help with this specific kind of heartbreak?
Yes, very much so. Therapy, especially approaches like relationship counselling, provides a safe, non-judgmental space to explore these complex feelings and develop strategies for healing and moving forward. Therapy Central can help with this exploration: Contact us.
