How to Let Go of the Past: A Step-by-Step Guide to Moving Forward

Have you ever felt trapped by memories that seem to control your present decisions? Maybe it’s a failed relationship that has you second-guessing every new connection. Or perhaps it’s a mistake from years ago – one that still creeps into your thoughts when you’re trying to sleep. If this sounds familiar, you’re far from alone in struggling with how to let go of the past.

How to Let Go of the Past?

Letting go of the past is a process of consciously deciding to release the grip of past hurts, regrets, or traumas. It involves acknowledging your feelings, practising acceptance and self-compassion, and shifting your focus to the present and future.

At Therapy Central, we understand how difficult this journey can be, and we’re here to support you through evidence-based approaches that have helped thousands of people find peace with their past.

With mental health challenges affecting more people than ever (recent data shows that 22.6% of adults in England now experience common mental health conditions, up from 17.6% in 2007 2), learning effective strategies for emotional healing has become increasingly vital.

This guide will walk you through 12 evidence-based steps to help you break free from the grip of past experiences. Rather than erasing your history, these strategies will help you create a healthier relationship with your memories and move forward with greater peace and purpose.

Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of the Past?

Understanding why we hold onto painful experiences can help us approach letting go of the past with more compassion and realistic expectations. Several psychological factors work together to keep us anchored to experiences that no longer serve us.

Your Brain’s Negativity Bias

Think of your brain as a security system that’s always scanning for threats. When something hurts you, it files that experience under “important – remember this!” This negativity bias helped our ancestors survive dangerous situations, but in modern life, this same mechanism can trap us in cycles of reliving painful memories 1. Understanding this natural tendency can help you approach anxiety management with more self-compassion.

Here’s the thing: this mental security system doesn’t distinguish between genuine current dangers and echoes from the past. That heated argument with your partner gets the same red-flag treatment as actual dangers – both marked ‘never forget this!’ in bold mental ink.

The Comfort of the Familiar

It might sound contradictory, but even painful past experiences can feel safer than an unknown future. The familiar, even when it’s uncomfortable, requires less mental energy than stepping into uncertainty. When you’re considering moving on from the past, your mind often prefers the predictable pain it knows over the unpredictable possibilities it doesn’t.

This explains why some people find themselves repeatedly drawn back to situations or thought patterns that hurt them. It’s not because they enjoy suffering; it’s because their brain interprets the unknown as potentially risky.

Unresolved Emotions and Rumination

When we experience something traumatic or deeply disappointing, our minds naturally want to “solve” what happened. We replay events, searching for different outcomes or trying to make sense of the pain. This process, called rumination, can become a mental habit that keeps the past alive in our present experience 5.

Research by the NHS and British Psychological Society identifies rumination as one of the main predictors of depression and anxiety, with studies showing that targeted interventions can effectively reduce these harmful thought patterns 5. If you find yourself caught in repetitive thinking cycles, our article on how to stop ruminating offers additional practical strategies.

You might find yourself thinking, “If only I had said something different” or “Why did this happen to me?” While these questions are completely natural, they can prevent us from moving forward from the past when they become our default response to difficult memories.

12 Actionable Steps to Let Go and Move On

Now that we understand the psychological challenges, let’s explore practical strategies that can help you let go of the past and create a more peaceful relationship with your history.

The following overview table provides a quick reference to the comprehensive 12-step framework we’ll explore in detail:

Each step builds upon the previous ones, creating a comprehensive framework for emotional healing and personal growth that you can adapt to your unique circumstances.

1. Make a Conscious Decision to Let Go

Letting go of the past begins with a deliberate choice. This isn’t about pretending painful events didn’t happen or forcing yourself to “get over it” quickly. Instead, it’s about deciding that you deserve to live fully in the present.

Consider writing down your intention: “I choose to honour my past whilst creating space for growth and peace.” This written commitment can serve as a touchstone when healing becomes challenging.

2. Acknowledge and Feel Your Pain Without Judgement

One of the biggest obstacles to how to get over the past is judging ourselves for having difficult emotions. Society often pressures us to “move on” quickly, but healing doesn’t follow a timeline.

Allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, regret, or whatever emotions arise. These feelings are information about what matters to you, not evidence that you’re weak or broken. You can’t heal what you don’t first acknowledge.

Setting aside time each day to sit with your emotions without trying to fix them creates the foundation for genuine healing.

3. Practise Radical Acceptance of What Happened

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you approve of what happened or that it was okay. Think of it like accepting that it’s raining when you wanted sunshine – you can’t change the weather, but you can choose whether to spend your energy being angry at the clouds or finding an umbrella.

This concept, rooted in therapy approaches like Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, involves fully acknowledging reality without trying to change, avoid, or fight against it 6. Acceptance frees up the mental energy you’ve been using to fight against unchangeable facts.

When you notice yourself struggling against reality with thoughts like “This shouldn’t have happened,” gently remind yourself: “This did happen, and I can choose how I respond now.” Start with small acceptances before moving to larger life events.

You might notice tension creeping into your jaw, shoulders, or stomach – your body’s way of showing you’re fighting against reality. When you catch these physical cues, they’re perfect reminders to pause and ask: “What am I fighting against right now that I cannot change?”

4. Reframe Your Story with Self-Compassion

The stories we tell ourselves about our past experiences significantly impact our ability to heal. If your internal narrative focuses on blame, shame, or victimisation, consider how you might reframe it with more compassion.

Instead of “I’m broken because of what happened,” try “I’m a survivor who is learning and growing.” This doesn’t minimise your pain; it acknowledges your strength and resilience whilst creating room for genuine healing and growth.

5. Practise Forgiveness (For Them and Especially For You)

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean condoning harmful behaviour or reconciling with people who hurt you. Forgiveness is about releasing the burden of resentment that you carry. Learning how to deal with anger is often an essential part of this process.

Start with self-forgiveness. We often hold ourselves to impossible standards, punishing ourselves for not knowing then what we know now. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a good friend facing similar struggles.

Remember that forgiveness is a process, not a one-time decision. You might forgive and then feel angry again; this fluctuation is completely normal and doesn’t mean you’re failing.

6. Letting Go of Anger and Resentment

Anger can feel protective – it gives us a sense of control and power when we’ve felt helpless. However, holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you’re the one who gets burned.

Understanding Your Anger’s Purpose

Anger often feels safer than the raw vulnerability underneath – the hurt, disappointment, or fear that feels too painful to face directly. When someone betrays your trust, anger might feel safer than acknowledging the pain of that betrayal. Whilst this protective mechanism made sense at the time, chronic anger becomes a burden.

Research shows that holding onto anger can impact your physical health, contributing to increased stress hormones and elevated blood pressure 1. Your body responds to past grievances the same way it responds to current threats.

Practical Steps for Releasing Anger:

• Acknowledge the secondary emotions: Ask yourself, “What is this anger protecting me from feeling?” Often, you’ll discover hurt, sadness, or fear underneath.
• Write an anger letter: Pour all your feelings onto paper without censoring yourself. Then safely destroy it as a symbolic release.
• Practise the “anger pause”: When anger arises, take three deep breaths before responding. This activates your body’s relaxation response and creates space for choice.
• Use physical release: Anger is energy that often needs physical expression. Try vigorous exercise, hitting a pillow, or even screaming in your car.

Consider anger as information rather than instruction. What is it telling you about your values and boundaries? Use this insight to make empowered choices going forward, creating clear boundaries without carrying the emotional burden of resentment.

7. Moving On From a Relationship or Friendship

Moving on from relationships requires special attention because our connections with others often form core parts of our identity. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or family dynamic, losing someone significant can leave you feeling unmoored.

The Unique Challenge of Relationship Loss

Unlike other types of past experiences, relationship endings involve the loss of a shared future, daily routines, and often, a piece of your identity. You might catch yourself thinking, “Who am I without this person?” This sense of not knowing who you are anymore is completely normal and temporary, but it can make letting go of someone you love feel particularly overwhelming.

Whether it’s a romantic partnership, close friendship, or family relationship, each type of loss brings unique challenges and requires its own approach to healing.

Practical Steps for Letting Go of a Relationship:

• Honour the grief process: Acknowledge that you’re mourning multiple losses – the person, the future you planned, and the version of yourself in that relationship.
• Create new meaning: Focus on discovering who you are independently. What interests or dreams did you set aside?
• Establish new routines: Replace shared activities with solo pursuits or new social connections.
• Practise loving detachment: You can wish someone well from a distance without being part of their life.

Remember that letting go of someone you love doesn’t mean you stop caring about them. It means you stop allowing the relationship to define your worth or determine your happiness.

8. Create Distance and Set Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes moving on from the past requires practical steps to limit exposure to triggers. This might mean setting boundaries with certain people, avoiding specific places, or changing routines that reinforce painful memories.

Boundaries aren’t walls – they’re guidelines that help you feel safe whilst you heal. You have every right to protect your emotional wellbeing, even if others don’t understand your choices.

This might mean unfollowing someone on social media, changing your routine, or politely declining certain invitations whilst you heal. Understanding how to set healthy boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional wellbeing during recovery.

9. Ground Yourself in the Present with Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of deliberately paying attention to the present moment without judgement. When your mind drifts to painful memories, mindfulness techniques can help you return to the here and now.

Why Mindfulness Works for Letting Go

Research shows that mindfulness literally changes your brain structure, strengthening areas associated with emotional regulation and weakening the pathways that keep you stuck in repetitive thought patterns 8. When you’re mindful, you become an observer of your thoughts rather than being consumed by them.

NICE guidelines recommend mindfulness-based therapies for depression treatment, with NHS studies demonstrating that mindfulness courses significantly improve mental health and wellbeing 10. Our mindfulness and meditation services can help you develop these essential skills for emotional regulation. In one study with healthcare workers, participants showed lasting improvements in stress levels and emotional exhaustion even six months after completing an 8-week mindfulness course.

Practical Mindfulness Techniques:

The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique: Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This simple exercise anchors you in the present moment and interrupts rumination cycles.

The STOP Method: When you catch your mind wandering back to painful memories, try this:

• Stop whatever you’re doing
• Take a slow, deep breath
• Observe what you’re thinking and feeling without trying to change it
• Proceed with a conscious choice rather than an automatic reaction

Present-Moment Anchors: Choose regular activities like washing dishes or walking as mindfulness cues. When your mind wanders to the past, gently return attention to the sensory experience.

Even five minutes of daily mindfulness practice can significantly improve your ability to let go of the past and stay grounded in the present.

10. Focus on What You Can Actually Control

One reason we get stuck in the past is because we’re trying to control things that are beyond our influence. You cannot change what happened, how others behaved, or the consequences that followed.

However, you can control your response, your choices moving forward, and how you interpret your experiences. This shift from trying to control the uncontrollable to focusing on your sphere of influence is deeply empowering.

So when you catch yourself spinning through ‘what if’ scenarios about the past, pause and ask yourself: ‘What’s one small choice I can make right now that moves me toward the future I actually want?’ When you catch yourself ruminating about uncontrollable events, redirect your energy toward the actions you can take today.

11. Create New Goals and Positive Memories

The best way to reduce the emotional charge of past experiences is to create a present that you genuinely enjoy. When you’re actively building a life you love, the past naturally becomes less significant.

Set meaningful goals that align with your values. Pursue interests that bring you joy. Each positive experience you create loosens the hold of painful memories and reminds you that joy, connection, and hope aren’t just distant memories – they’re available to you right now.

12. Talk It Out (With a Friend or a Professional)

Letting go of the past doesn’t have to be a solo journey. Sometimes we need external perspective to see our situations clearly. Trusted friends can offer support and insight, whilst mental health professionals provide specialised tools and strategies.

If you’ve tried these steps and still feel stuck, this might indicate that professional support would be beneficial. Therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) have all shown effectiveness in helping people process and release past experiences 4.

NICE recommends CBT as a first-line treatment for depression and anxiety disorders, with research showing it works as well as antidepressants for many forms of depression 9. NHS Talking Therapies successfully helped 672,000 people complete treatment in 2022/23, with nearly 50% achieving recovery 3.

When Is It Time to Seek Professional Help?

Whilst the strategies above can be incredibly helpful, sometimes our past experiences need the skilled support of a mental health professional. Consider seeking therapy if you experience:

• Persistent depression or anxiety that interferes with daily functioning
• Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks related to traumatic experiences
• Difficulty maintaining relationships due to past experiences
• Substance use as a way to cope with painful memories
• Sleep disturbances or physical symptoms related to emotional distress
• Feeling stuck despite genuine efforts to move forward

If you’re experiencing trauma-related symptoms, our trauma therapy specialists can provide targeted support for healing.

Professional therapy provides a safe space to process difficult experiences with someone trained to guide healing. Research shows that around 4.4% of adults in England screen positive for post-traumatic stress disorder 7, highlighting that trauma-related struggles are more common than many people realise.

Moving Forward Together

Learning how to let go of the past is one of the most profound gifts you can give yourself. It’s not about erasing your history or pretending painful events didn’t happen. Instead, it’s about choosing to live fully in the present whilst honouring the lessons your experiences have taught you.

Remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. Some days will be easier than others, and that’s perfectly normal. What matters is your commitment to growth and your willingness to treat yourself with compassion along the way.

The past has shaped you, but it doesn’t have to control you. Every moment offers a new opportunity to choose peace over pain, growth over stagnation, and hope over despair. You have the strength to move forward from the past and create a future that reflects your values and aspirations.

If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, we’re here to support you. Our experienced therapists understand the complexities of processing difficult experiences and can provide personalised strategies to help you move forward. Contact us for a free 15 min consultation to explore how therapy could support your healing journey.